World Series Games to Start at 1:00AM

NEW YORK, NY – Major League Baseball announced that, in the past, starting World Series games at 9:00PM ET has not been sadistic enough toward the Atlantic region of the country. Therefore, they have decided to reschedule the games between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies to begin at 1:00AM, Eastern Time. There is also a caveat that if the people who live between Washington, DC and Boston, the very hub of America, whine about the change, they can look forward to a CIA-engineered  backup of all the sewers along the Northeastern Seaboard. Furthermore, MLB does not want to hear the argument about how late games are responsible for losing young fans, since it is up to parents to provide the cocaine needed to keep the tykes up all night chain-smoking and talking a mile a minute about Ryan Howard, Evan Longoria and SpongeBob SquarePants.

The television networks seem to be the puppeteer yanking the strings of Major League Baseball – never mind that puppeteers are usually vegetarians wearing black turtlenecks. Professional sports have become dependent on TV ratings. Therefore it is essential that the island of Somoa get to view the games during prime time; and the Russian city of Vladivostok be able to eat dinner while the Phillies shortstop, Jimmy Rollins, leads off the first inning. A lot of revenue is tied to skirt-wearing South Pacific Islanders and seafaring citizens of the former Soviet Union.

This means that folks on the American west coast are looking at a 10:00PM starting time. Barnaby Jones of Santa Monica says that he usually goes to bed at this time, once he has solved a crime using craft, cunning and a bowtie. He has not missed a World Series game since 1938 when his father was digging a hole when suddenly up from the ground came some bubbling crude, oil, that is, black gold, Texas tea – and Barnaby had to spend the day of game three between the Yanks and the Cubs loading up a truck so they could move to Beverley, Hills, that is.

“Boo, fucking hoo, for Barnaby Jones and all those other California assholes,” said Gino Bambino of South Philly. “All these years while we on the east coast have been popping speed to stay up for these playoff games, those palm-tree-shaded, no sock-wearing, fake-tan having, I’ll-have-my-people-call-your-people motherfuckers have been going to bed after the games early enough to get their collagen beauty rest so they could still get up at dawn to eat their pomegranates and their yeast. Meanwhile I’m dragging my ass around all day on the docks with a hangover that would kill one of those big fucking dinosaurs with the long necks – you know, those Brontosauruses. Fuck California!”

Television executives insist that baseball is viewed by more people when it is impossible for them to stay awake to watch the games. It has been proved through scientific research that people not watching sports are actually watching sports; that ratings go up when everyone is asleep.

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