Joe Torre Did Steroids

WASHINGTON DC – The recent Mitchell Report has implicated Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada and Andy Pettite as Major League Baseball players to have done anabolic steroids, some of whom took their medicine with an injection in the ass, while others used the less intrusive method of licking the stuff off a sheet of parchment. Now there is talk that Joe Torre, former manager of the Yankees and now the skipper of the Dodgers, was on the juice, too.

Many people are saying, Just look at him. The guy had a losing record as a manager during his first fifteen seasons with the Mets, Braves and Cards. Then, in 1996, he suddenly goes 92-70 with the Yankees, wins the World Series and proceeds to win three more titles. Moreover, his signature walk to the mound became cocky, the product of increased muscle mass.

It is reported that assistant coach, Don Zimmer, once had to talk Torre out of going to the mound wearing no jersey top after Joe said things like, “If you got it, show it.” This happened in the immediate wake of an intense steroid cycle coupled with two-a-day weight lifting workouts, as Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite screamed at him to “push, push, one more, you dark-eyed freak!” Zimmer is known for his Michelin Man body type. He also says that Torre tried to talk him into receiving the magic muscle elixir. Torre even volunteered to be the one wielding the hypodermic needle but only if Zimmer wiped his ass first. Zimmer declined the invitation, citing his free spirit philosophy of wiping only when in the mood, man.

The Mitchell Report cited the years 1995-2007 as the “period of rampant, unchecked drug use in baseball.” In other words, pretty much the exact timeframe in which old “Loser Joe” became “Classy Joe,” the man who led the Yankees to 13 consecutive playoff appearances. This cannot be written off as mere coincidence.

Brian McNamee, the trainer who claims that he injected steroids into the buttocks of Clemens, says that he was not the first one to perform this duty. “Joe is the one who had his Mafia thugs hold down Clemens, and Pettite for that matter, while he, Joe, stabbed him in the ass, and yelling, ‘Don’t be such a pussy, Roger. This is the Yankees way.’”

Further evidence of drug enhancement playing a role in the ascent of Joe Torre is his quick recovery from prostate cancer in 1999. “How else can you explain that one,” said Rahim Hassad, a New York cab driver. Then there was the day of December 14, 2005 when Joe ran 405 meters in Florence, Italy holding the Olympic torch. This was the same guy who began his managerial career walking to the mound using a cane, which, mind you, he would smack over the head of any pitcher who had let up more than four runs in an inning.

The end of Torre’s run with the Yankees is also now facing revisionist interpretation. It was believed to have been caused by the unreasonable demands of new owner, Hank Steinbrenner, who insulted Classy Joe by offering him a five million dollar-a-year extension with bonuses for each tier reached in the post-season. What is now being reported is the ‘roid rage that Torre exhibited during the sticking point in the negotiations; how he grabbed Steinbrenner by the throat and said, “Listen, punk, I can’t help it if that over-paid fairy, A-Rod, hits like, well, like a fairy in the playoffs. And I don’t see you cutting his pay.”

Zimmer editorialized about his friend: “It is good that Joe left New York to manage the L.A. Dodgers. The laid back life style of Southern California will be good for Joe’s rage. It will help him get off the juice. Now we’ll see if he can lead a team to a winning record without the aid of muscle-enhancing drugs.”