Something Goes Wrong for Tom Brady

BOSTON, MA – Patriot Nation is in a state of shock in the wake of information that Golden Boy, Tom Brady, has experienced the once unthinkable – something in the universe has not gone his way. It seems that the only living organism to have defied Murphy’s Law, as well as the Second Law of Thermodynamics, now cannot open his complimentary bottle of Stetson Cologne.

This is the same man who once defied the nip and tuck rule, and common sense, to eliminate the Oakland Raiders en route to his first Super Bowl victory in 2001; who was born in a manger and grew up as the religious idol of doting parents and genuflecting sisters; who left one pregnant supermodel to go sleep with another one that had even better cheekbones, and yet he was not taken to the legal cleaners as a consequence; and who is so well liked that even notorious sour-puss, Randy Moss, calls him “Tommy.”

But alas, Tom Terrific has never before faced such a villainous foe as a cap to a bottle of overrated male perfume. It is all the more unsettling for the Brady camp that his inability to open a Stetson container of male ambrosia is not limited to one line of cologne. Tommy is having just as much trouble uncorking Stetson Original as he is Stetson Sierra, to say nothing of Stetson Untamed and Stetson Black. This puts him in a tricky predicament, since he is a model for Stetson web and magazine ads, most of which feature Brady posing as a brooding gay man, and he is paid, not in dollars, but in “delicious scent.”

One of Brady’s offensive linemen, who chose to remain anonymous (we will only say that his first name rhymes with “katt” and his last with “blight”), said that any other football player having posed as a dreamy, sensitive gentleman rancher would have been stuffed in a locker and never seen the light of day; but since Tom is immune to both the laws of physics and athletic homophobia, he has avoided this fate. But now that he cannot twist off a bottle lid – well, said Katt Blight, “that’s just a little gay, don’t you think?”

His agent notes the cruel irony, saying, “It would be like a drug dealer receiving illicit money in a tamper-proof briefcase, but not being given the key to open it. And now Tom has all this lovely cologne and he cannot twist open the cap. The scent is haunting him, nay, taunting him.”

It is reported that supermodel gal pal, Gisele Bundchen, is more than willing to unscrew the recalcitrant lids for Tommy and to even administer the pleasurable odor herself, and so free up time for Tommy to be Terrific in all other aspects of life as we know it, but Brady feels that his legacy would be in question if he let a girl perform his manly duties.

He seems to have an especially hard time with Stetson Untamed’s upside-down-top-hat-shaped cap. Last week, Coach Bill Belichick discovered the always unflappable Tommy in the trainer’s room in tears holding a container of Stetson Untamed in his bloody hands, as he muttered to himself: “Yes, I want to smell like an Untamed Dionysian love god, but, fuck, do you have to make the lid untamed as well?”

Boston sports radio station WEEI is being inundated with calls from locals offering advice and opinions on the crisis. Some say that Brady is a system quarterback and Stetson should thereby hire Belichick to coordinate Tommy’s bottle opening plays; others say that the game isn’t over yet and that the Golden Boy will win the contest as the seconds tick down to zero, though it would help if Adam Vinatieri was still around to close the deal on the final scent-freeing revolutions of the Stetson caps; and still others say that Jet’s coach, Eric Mangini, has sabotaged the Stetson line as revenge for Spygate.

There has also been national concern right up to President Bush calling for a hand-strength surge in the Brady region. Barack Obama has declared that this is “not a Stetson Black and Sierra issue, but a non-partisan Stetson issue.” And Rudy Giuliani has used the Brady’s misfortune to make multiple references to 9/11.

“One thing Americans could always be sure of,” said President Bush in a televised speech to a frightened nation, “aside from my eternal smirk, is that everything would run smooth for Tom Brady. Now that premise has come into question. But make no mistake about it, we, the American people, will demonstrate our compassionate conservatism by praying for Tom Brady, because he needs the help of those less fortunate.”

Archive

Joe Torre Did Steroids

Miami Heat Lose on Tenth Day of Christmas

NFL QB's Sabotage Their Own Stats

Chris Berman to Quit ESPN