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HOUSTON, TX – There are reports that a third ear is sprouting from the dense forehead of Roger Clemens. Witnesses say that it is only a baby ear – for now – that it has a long way to go until it assumes the long, floppy, cartilaginous proportions of a World War II veteran marching in a Memorial Day parade. But one can detect the embryonic signs of a lobule, a helix and a tragus, with a small pinhole leading to a makeshift inner ear apparatus.
BOSTON, MA – Patriot Nation is in a state of shock in the wake of information that Golden Boy, Tom Brady, has experienced the once unthinkable – something in the universe has not gone his way. It seems that the only living organism to have defied Murphy’s Law, as well as the Second Law of Thermodynamics, now cannot open his complimentary bottle of Stetson Cologne.
WASHINGTON DC – The recent Mitchell Report has implicated Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada and Andy Pettite as Major League Baseball players to have done anabolic steroids, some of whom took their medicine with an injection in the ass, while others used the less intrusive method of licking the stuff off a sheet of parchment. Now there is talk that Joe Torre, former manager of the Yankees and now the skipper of the Dodgers, was on the juice, too.
MIAMI – NBA Southeast Division bottom-dweller, the Miami Heat, continued their abominable play when they lost to the Minnesota Timberwolves on the Tenth Day of Christmas. The game featured some of the most gravity-bound performances since the time when Emmanuel Lewis tried to standing broad-jump on the edge of a black hole. Heat players like Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway and Alonzo Mourning were in direct violation of the spirit of the Tenth Day of Christmas, which is famous the world over for its Ten Lords a-leaping.
NFL – This past Sunday marked the worst collective quarterback performance in NFL history, with the overall QB rating coming in at 12.6. One fan in Philadelphia called it Rex Grossman Day in honor of the field general of the Chicago Bears who last year, in two games, posted ratings of 1.3 and 0.0, which were so bad that they bordered on the impossible. This mass incompetence was the culmination of a week of all the league’s first-string QBs telling the media that they cared more about winning than their own individual statistics.
 BRISTOL, CT -- Long time ESPN sports anchor, Chris Berman, announced this week that he will be leaving his post of 28 years in order to devote all his time to various thoughts and prayers. This decision comes in the wake of the deadly fires that scorched Southern California and turned Qualcomm Stadium, home to the San Diego Chargers, into a refugee camp. Berman offered his thoughts and prayers to all the people in the region.
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