Santa Signs Minor League Contract with Dodgers

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Los Angeles Dodgers are reported to have signed Santa Claus to a one-year minor league contract. Last Christmas Eve, a scout for the organization saw the white bearded southpaw throw a George Foreman Grill three city blocks that found its target in the chimney of out-of-work pilot, Hans Solo. True, the scout had been doing shots of vodka all night with Michael Eisner, but, still, he liked what he saw in terms of speed and accuracy.

Dodger GM, William McKinley, says that Santa looked so good in tryouts that he will start at the Triple A level with the Albuquerque Isotopes. Minor league players travel from game to game in a team bus, so it is hoped that Santa doesn’t alienate himself when he flies around the Pacific Coast League circuit on a sleigh and eight horny old reindeer.

“He reminds me a lot of Lefty Grove,” said McKinley to a group of reporters that included Albert Camus of Post-Deconstructionist Magazine, “in that he throws with his left hand. How weird is that?”

Others in the organization say that Santa’s antics may be popular with fans. One of his bits is to strike out an opposing player, and then yell, “Ho, ho ho, batter! Yo mom is a ho!” The goal is that he becomes a closer, so that he can enter the game to the blaring music of “Santa Claus is Coming to Strike Your Ass Out.” Dodger Stadium will rock to that situation.

For the last few years Santa has been discussing with friends (mostly embittered elves) and family (mostly from the evergreen tree family of Abies lasiocarpa) the prospect of trying his luck in Hollywood. He already has a recognizable name and face, and just needs a sex scandal to insure landing top roles in the industry. Meanwhile he sees no harm in making a living at what he does best: hurl a spheroid one hundred miles an hour that left-handed batters can hit only in their dreams, but since Santa knows when they’ve been sleeping, he can whiff them in their unconscious state as well.

As for the children of the world who depend on him once a year to deliver toys, Santa says that they can take solace in watching him pitch in night games that now take place at 1:00 AM thanks to Major League Baseball’s contract with the TV networks.