Miami Heat Lose on Tenth Day of Christmas
12.16.07

MIAMI – NBA Southeast Division bottom-dweller, the Miami Heat, continued their abominable play when they lost to the Minnesota Timberwolves on the Tenth Day of Christmas. The game featured some of the most gravity-bound performances since the time when Emmanuel Lewis tried to standing broad-jump on the edge of a black hole. Heat players like Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway and Alonzo Mourning were in direct violation of the spirit of the Tenth Day of Christmas, which is famous the world over for its Ten Lords a-leaping.

There had not been such a collective absence of human levitation since white men roamed the NBA in the 1950s. Paleontologists believe that one such fossil, Bob Cousy, who played for the Boston Celtics, was considered one of the better jumpers during this Earth-bound era – and the evidence points, in his case, to a three-inch vertical leap.  Then there was the brontosaurus, George Mikan of the Minneapolis Lakers, who needed a crane just to lift one foot off the ground when plodding the court. Now Shaq was making Mikan look like a kangaroo in comparison.

“That was one lord that wasn’t leaping,” said coach Pat Riley of Shaquille O’Neal. “Hell, I’m sixty-two-years-old and just had knee and hip surgery – and I’m a Caucasian -- and I could out-jump the big man.”

O’Neal was bitter after the game, which was apparent when his speech became almost coherent.

“Coach, ahhh, said that? Ahhh, ahhhh, I challenge him to, ahhhh, a game of hop-scotch.”

Shaq was permitted for years to play football when going to the basket. He would lower a shoulder and make like Bronco Nagurski by running over his defenders, stepping on their fallen bodies and then dunking the ball. In his vast egomania, he even believed that he deserved this special exemption from the rules of basketball.

Now it does not matter if he rams a defender into the third row of the stands, for this 7’2” man cannot lift himself high enough to dunk. That has put him in a jam, since he cannot shoot the ball outside of three feet. This is why O’Neal has complained to league officials that defenders should now have to get on all fours and let Shaq use them as human step-ladders, and to hell with the resulting spate of fractured spines.  The important thing is that the world buys into the Shaq sense of entitlement, just as sports writers have bought into the myth that the big man is smart, witty and engaging; and as everyone has bought into the astonishing belief that his four championships were of his own doing and not a direct result of the athleticism, blistering intelligence and end of game heroics of Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade.

Said O’Neal after an “ahhh” that lasted longer than a Pat Riley motivational speech (which, by the way, earns the Armani clad coach $50,000 a pop): “I don’t want, ahhh, to be a lord a-leaping. Lords a-leaping are sissies, and Shaq-fu ain’t no sissy.”

“Shaq-fu” is one of the many nicknames O’Neal has bestowed upon himself over the years, along with Shaq-Diesel and The Big Aristotle. That is what he does in his free time: thinks of cool designations for Shaquille O’Neal. He is like George Bush in this respect, only Shaq is not interested in other people.
But Shaq-Rooted-to-the-Ground was not the only one unable to celebrate the Tenth Day of Christmas in proper leaping fashion. The ancient Alonzo Mourning, who may have known the real Aristotle (meaning his life has stretched from Aristotle to Big Aristotle), seemed like he had stone tablets from Delphi Oracle latched to his ankles. Mark Blount was about as soaring as is possible when straddled with such a heavy name like Mark Blount.

Even the guards opted to skip from the eleven pipers piping, right past the ten lords a-leaping, and straight to the nine ladies dancing. Anfernee Hardaway was too over-burdened by the criticism from Shaq that he had not given Shaq a championship, which would have given The Big Egomaniac fiiiiiiive golden rings. Ricky Davis is a noted high jumper, but refused to display his ups in this game because, in his words, “lords a-leaping ain’t in my contract.” And Jason Williams is a medium height white boy from West Virginia, end of argument.

Jason Williams has been busted various times in his life for smoking pot. In the end, he put the game in proper perspective: “The good news for me is that tomorrow is the Eleventh Day of Christmas, and that means Eleven Pipers Piping. Man, am I going to be stoned.”

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