Immelman at Top of Tiger Ass-Kissing Cup Standings

THE PGA TOUR – Now that Tiger Woods will sit out the rest of the PGA season, the race is on among the rest of the field for golf’s most coveted award, The Tiger Woods Ass-Kissing Cup, or the TAKC for short. The TAKC makes the FedEx Cup a mere afterthought, much like a dollar bill left at the bottom of Alex Rodriguez’ gym bag – right next to the hand-held mirror. Many on tour see Tiger’s knee injury and win at the US Open as a once-in-a-lifetime chance to slobber all over the burnished image of the GREATEST GOLFER ON THE PLANET.

In April, Trevor Immelman scored major points in the TAKC standings when he finished first in the Masters and then spent the next week telling the world of the divinity of Tiger Woods. The Church of Tiger Elders – i.e., the sports media – put Immelman to the inquisitional test by asking him repeated questions, not about how he was the first South African to have won at Augusta since Gary Player in 1978, but rather the degree of awe he felt at the mere mention of the greatest name in golf, one that must be whispered to avoid charges of blasphemy.

“Even when Tiger,” said Immelman, while casting his eyes downward, “gagged on those two three-foot putts, I trembled at the thought of what he could have done if the ball was just a few feet closer to the hole.”

Jay Mariotti, one of the Elders who spreads the gospel of Woods when he appears every day on ESPN to shout uninformed opinions into the camera, gave a grudging nod to the 28-year-old Immelman: “Of course, we’re all scouring the holy texts as to why Tiger finished second, but Immelman acquitted himself well by asking the PGA to erase his name from the record of past Masters winners and put Tiger’s name there instead.”

Golf commentator and Grand Inquisitor, Johnny Miller, keeps a giant condom in his wallet to put over his bulbous head for those special occasions when he goes beyond mere ass-kissing to explore the sacred anus of Woods. Miller said that Immelman showed the correct ecclesiastical posture by admitting that as a parent of a two-year-old son, Jacob, he knows that his reproductive success was negated when Tiger and wife, Elin, gave birth to the heiress of the Universe, a little angle girl named Sam Alexis.

“Trevor knows that it’s time to make the next step if he is to win the TAKC, and that is to throw his own son into a volcano as proof of his humility. None of us on the Tour are fathers now that Tiger is a father. Only Tiger knows of fatherhood.”

Two months later, Miller also professed that Rocco Mediate, the ever-smiling 78-year-old geezer whom Tiger beat in a sudden-death playoff at the US Open, should have been more ecstatic at having his pace-maker ripped out by God’s Only Son – though he had to admit that Mediate hugging Woods at the end of the tournament while executing a reach-around should move him up the TAKC standings.

This year’s race for the TAKC is rounding out to be a nail-biter now that all players on the PGA Tour have acknowledged its significance, with the last of the old dissenters, Phil Mickleson, having now joined the Church of Woods.

“I was arrogant,” said a sheepish Mickleson, who had been compared to Lucifer for his audacity to question the omnipotence of God. “I mean, who was I to believe myself as worthy to win a golf tournament as the player whose name I dare not speak? But now I make sure that my wife, Amy, calls out His name whenever we make love in His name. My four daughters are now being instructed to throw rose pedals at the feet of Sam Alexis once the little goddess learns to walk, though one of my daughters made me proud when she said that maybe she and her sisters should carry Sam Alexis on a litter at all the major tournaments.”

Ernie Els, Stewart Cink, Steve Stricker and all the other PGA players have been offering daily praise and alms to Tiger through sermons given to the Elders of the media.  It is reported that Bubba Watson moved up quick in the TAKC standings when he laid his tall body down over a puddle at the US Open so that Tiger could tread on his back to prevent ruining his new Nike golf shoes.
Only one golfer has no hope of winning the Tiger Ass-Kissing Cup this year, and that is Rory Sabbatini, another South African, who last year uttered the hearsay that Tiger was beatable. He suffered instant ex-communication for those evil words.  But he has since been giving himself fifty lashes a day and prostrating himself before a hundred-foot image of Woods that he had built in his backyard. The Elders have recognized Sabbatini’s contrite efforts to restore his name.

Church Elder, Mariotti, issued this verdict: “What Sabbatini is doing is fine, but he has to show me more humility if he is ever to recover fully from that dumb comment from last year. And he need look no further than the groveling example of Johnny Miller. I suggest that Sabbatini buy multiple packs of cranial condoms and go to work giving Tiger a thorough colonic.”