Favre Earns Right to be a Sociopath

GREEN BAY – The 112,015 shareholders that own the Green Bay Packers have voted that their longtime quarterback, Brett Favre, has “earned the right” to commit various atrocities of his choice, or, as they say in Wisconsin, “to do whatever the H-E-Double-Toothpicks he wants, and if that includes using our cattle for his Louisiana Dating Service, then so be it, since this is Brett Favre we’re talking about.”

This ultimate vote of confidence is another chapter in the melodrama in which Favre retired from football and then, once realizing that he would have to spend time with his family all year round and maybe even do chores in the yard, announced that he was open to returning to the Packers if the Packers smooched a sufficient amount of veteran quarterback ass. When the GM of the organization, Ted Thomson, declined to affix his lips to the aforementioned buttocks, citing a bum hip as an excuse, the male members of the sports media volunteered to demonstrate the mechanics of blind worship by all dropping to their knees like zombies and puckering up for the big smooch.

Terrence Moore of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, who had surgery this year to remove all memory of Favre having thrown 15 interceptions in his last 5 playoff losses, keeps repeating the same phrase, “This is Brett Favre. He’s earned the right to do anything he wants. If he wants to set fire to all the daycare centers in Green Bay, then who are we, or a bunch of farmers, to deny him that right?” Co-workers at the newspaper, especially those who write on real subjects, have noticed that Moore’s eyes glaze over at the mere mention of Number Four, and that he will thereafter stumble around the office wielding a stapler, and muttering, “Must kill all Favre detractors. Must kill all Favre detractors.”

Meanwhile, the now starting and soon to be demoted quarterback of the Packers, Aaron Rodgers, is being asked to bend over a barrel and let Favre has his way, since the 38-year-old Louisiana native has earned the right to sodomize anyone on the team. Woody Paige of the Denver Post has demanded that Rodgers take one for the team, and wrote further that he, Paige, would be the third-string QB if “dearest Brett grows tired of taking out his stress on the backup from California.”

 The Governor of Wisconsin, Jim Doyle, has said yes to Favre’s request that all employees of the state’s Health and Human Services Department be transferred to the labor camp adjacent to the Favre Terrorist Training Facility – as President Bush mentioned in a recent speech, “Osama bin Laden has no right to commit heinous crimes against the United States of America, but, gosh darnit, Brett Favre, with his exciting gun-slinger mentality and irrepressible sense of fun, has earned that right.”

The Packer shareholders have elicited the help of a psychiatrist to falsify Favre’s growing psychological record of a man tending toward full-blown sociopathic behavior to make him appear as “a good guy.” The doctor, who asked to remain anonymous, did not charge Favre a penny for his services, saying that “my patient has earned the right to an infinite amount of free sessions, to say nothing of unlimited sexual access to my three teenage daughters, all a reward for his years of making the dumbest passes in the history of the NFL.”

But all this mass maneuvering to hand the world over to an aging athlete with a curious shape to his brow may be for naught. Ted Thomson understands the meaning of 15 interceptions in five playoff games, and also the meaning of linear time that would make silly the proposition that for the next 30 years Brett Favre be brought back from retirement because he has earned the right to play for as long as he wants, in which time Aaron Rodgers could be a grandfather and host to Good Morning America and a candidate for cryogenic freezing.

“Shucks,” said Thomson, “Bart Starr is seventy-four, and won five NFL championships and threw only three interceptions in ten playoff games. You know what, folks? I think I will be bringing back Bart, since he, too, has earned the right to play forever.”