Roger Clemens Grows Ear on Forehead
01.30.08

HOUSTON, TX – There are reports that a third ear is sprouting from the dense forehead of Roger Clemens. Witnesses say that it is only a baby ear – for now – that it has a long way to go until it assumes the long, floppy, cartilaginous proportions of a World War II veteran marching in a Memorial Day parade. But one can detect the embryonic signs of a lobule, a helix and a tragus, with a small pinhole leading to a makeshift inner ear apparatus.

“Hearing is seeing,” said a friend of Clemens. “I mean, if any mutant third sense organ should be showing up in the middle of someone’s forehead, it should be a third eye, right? But an ear? And a third one at that? Man, that’s weird.”

On January 8, 2008, Roger Clemens denied on Sixty Minutes that he had ever used steroids. The interview was done in the immediate wake of the Mitchell Report in which Clemens’ former trainer, the out-of-shape Brian McNamee, claimed that he had injected the six time Cy Young winner in the ass with ‘roids, but not before kissing that bigger-than-Texas rump, such was McNamee’s reputation as a sycophant to the Major Leaguers. McNamee liked male ass.

“Brian did like spending a lot of time in the shower with the Yankees players,” said Derek Jeter. “I thought that when he scrubbed Roger’s back with soap, it was just part of his responsibility as a trainer. Hmm, I guess not.”

Clemens’ most emphatic argument against the charges made by McNamee may have been lifted from a 1950s sci-fi B-movie.

Said Clemens to Mike Wallace, playing the B-movie straight man: “My body never changed. If he’s putting that stuff up my body, if what he’s saying which is totally false, if he’s doing that to me, I should have a third ear growing out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth.”

Little did Mr. Clemens know that within three weeks the tell-tale third ear would in fact manifest itself dead center between his hairline and sloping brow. The word is that he began to develop the ability to bounce sonar waves off objects ahead of him and then recognize the existence of those objects through his auditory faculties moments before his visual cortex processed the same information. This has led biologists to speculate that the mutation may not be limited to just another ear blooming on his forehead, that he may also be gaining the sonar system of the Leaf-Nose Bat.

Now Warner Brothers has put out sonar pulses to Clemens asking if he would be interested in replacing Christian Bale in the next Batman movie, tentatively entitled: Batman Gives up the Bat to be a Pitcher.

Mrs. Clemens likes the idea of her husband at last retiring from baseball to act in Batman movies. The way she sees it – and Roger hears it – is that he can still make mad money by shooting the films in a month’s time and then be around during the other eleven months to watch his sons pulling tractors with their teeth.

“Maybe the Mitchell Report was a blessing in disguise,” said Mrs. Clemens out of earshot of her mate, or so she thought.
“Hey honey,” yelled Clemens from across a field. “Third ear, remember? Hearing like a Leaf-Nosed Bat, got it?”
“Roger that, Roger,” smiled the woman who knew that she will never, ever work a day in her life, and all thanks to steroids.

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