Stuart Smalley Criticizes Senator Al Franken

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Cable access talk show host, Stuart Smalley, is mad as hell, doggone it, at Senator-elect Al Franken -- the same man who, twenty years ago, invented the character, Stuart Smalley, for a Saturday Night Live skit. The maybe gay, maybe straight, or maybe neutered Smalley says that Franken looks bad with dark hair and the serious expression befitting a powerful politician; that he has to “turn that frown upside down” and not be so bitter about the election recount that is only now being finalized by lawyers trying to milk the case before their jobs as protectors of the Constitution are outsourced to the firm of Patel, Deshpande and Vaidyar in India.

“Al needs to know that before he can start helping America with its legislative and economic problems, he must first be happy with himself,” said Smalley after emerging from his Overeaters of Crunchy Insects Anonymous meeting.  “It would also help if he had a legal degree instead of a degree in being a little smarty pants. Remember, Al, ‘Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, doggone it!’”

Smalley drew a live grasshopper from his baby-blue sweater pocket, and popped it into this mouth. “Oh, what are you looking at?” he sniffed. “Yes, I have addictions, but I’m still good enough, I’m still smart enough. In fact, I’m smart enough to know when a fellow human being is crying for help. Al…it’s…okay…that fifty percent of Minnesota doesn’t like you. Gosh darn-it, I don’t like you, since you were the one who gave me this silly blonde wig. But that’s…okay, too. I’m going to Hating Your Nonfictional Alter Ego Anonymous to help me with that syndrome. The important thing is that the other fifty percent of big-boned, lumbering people from the State of Ten Thousand Lakes…DO LIKE YOU, Al.”

Smalley pulled another bug from his sweater pocket, this one a Pine Bark Beetle, and began munching on it while a tear ran down his pink cheek. “I know, I know, I am better than this. I should’ve begun therapy a long time ago for my addiction to exoskeletal appetizers. Darn, Stuart, there you go again, should-ing all over yourself.”

Smalley added that Franken was a troubled man torn by his native call to be a professional goofball and his egotistical need to have his picture appear with an American flag in the background. “He could’ve just had his wife, Franni, taken a photo of him at a Fourth of July picnic. That way he could’ve remained that insecure funny man who puts other people down, like poor Bill O’Reilly, for his liver spot condition.”

Smalley further announced that he wants a face-to-face meeting with Franken to help the future U.S. Senator with his self-esteem issues and also how to make a speech on the Senate floor without someone shouting out, “Hey Al, do Stuart Smalley. I love that bit!” When Franken was reached for his comment about a possible therapy session with Smalley, his only response was, “That would be crazy.”