Giuliani Gives Free 911s to the Poor
12.16.07

NEW YORK, NY – Presidential candidate, Rudy Giuliani, got into the Christmas spirit this weekend when he passed out free 911s to the poor huddled masses of New York City. At various points throughout Manhattan, he stood in the back of an eighteen-wheeler, like a rock star at the edge of the stage, with crowds of people stretching their arms toward him seeking his munificence.

Later Giuliani quipped: “Munificence, municipality – it’s what I do, that is, when I’m not being the eternal hero of nine-eleven, which, what, is like always. But I am humbled because nine-eleven has done so much for me, my career, my bank account, so it’s only fitting that I give back, give nine-one-ones to those less fortunate.”

The 911 Giveaway Tour started in the Bowery.  The mob that rushed the truck were for the most part crack whores, crazy homeless people and out of work squeegee operators now living on the margins since Mayor Rudy abolished their trade.

Petey “One-Tooth” Callahan is a man of fifty-six who could pass for someone who helped build the Erie Canal. He wore a subway-stained Denver Broncos knit hat and a Confederate Army officer’s coat with a name tag that read: “Lee.” He held his 911, which consisted of a nine, a one and another one.

“I haven’t been the same since that jack-off mayor took away my livelihood,” rasped One-Tooth. “I used to live for my work, practicing my squeegee technique like a samurai warrior. There was strategy involved in stealing water to throw on those windshields. I took public speaking courses to help make the sale to frightened motorists trapped at a red light, their windows up and doors locked.”

He shook an ironic head and smiled a one-toothed smile, looked over at the crowd, above which was the deified Rudy handing out gifts, and said: “Hey but at least I got my very own nine-eleven – or is it a nine-one-one? Whatever. All I know is that it has three numbers that add up to eleven. Maybe our numerologist, the Million Man March guy, whatsisname, Farrakhan, could make sense of that one. You know, I tried to squeegee Farrakhan’s limo once.  Just as I got the water on the windshield, these three black guys dressed like movie ushers jumped out and beat the piss out of me. Called workman’s comp, but they said the Mayor – yeah, that ass-wipe over there – said the Mayor was making it a law that squeegee artists were to be deported to Queens.”

A raggedy couple walked by pushing a shopping cart filled with deflated basketballs and a placard that read “The Homeless think French Impressionism is overrated!”

One-Tooth nodded toward them, and said: “But they love Rembrandt, though they’re divided on Picasso. In fact, their disagreements on Cubism could lead to a divorce. Wonder who will get custody of the airless basketballs.”

He continued: “So then the day comes when those Arab shit-weasels fly the planes into the Twin Dicks. And there’s Rudy holding press conferences all day and night, and hanging out on TV and radio. That’s what he did – talked into microphones. When you get right down to it, yapping away to reporters is what made him a hero. If that’s what it takes, then, shit, make Paula Zahn the mayor of New York. Fuck it, she has much better hair. From there it was a straight line to running for President to being here today in New York donating nine-elevens to the poor.

“Everyone said that nine-eleven changed the world – and dingle-berry over there seconded that emotion. Let me tell you, young man, I couldn’t squeegee the cars of unwilling motorists before nine-eleven and I still can’t practice my squeegee art after nine-eleven. Nothing has changed for me and everyone else in this country, except Rudy got rich pulling in, what, eleven million bucks in a year for public speaking. And how boring were those goddamn speeches. Yeah, I’m Rudy Giuliani and I talked into a bunch of microphones on nine-eleven, now where’s my cash?”

A group of urchins ran by us waving their 911s in the air as if the three numbers were tickets to the World Series. One kid tried to eat his 911, but could not break off the top of the second number one, and chipped a tooth in the process.

“Hey kid,” yelled One-Tooth, “keep trying to eat your nine-eleven and you’ll end up like me.” He smiled to show the kid his enamel deprived mouth, then laughed as the kid hugged his 911 and ran down the street. “Hey kid, maybe a dentist will take a nine-eleven for payment, and fix you right up.”

We watched Rudy wind down his Santa Claus act by telling everyone to have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Nine-Eleven.

One-Tooth handed his Christmas gift to us, and said: “Kid, you keep this. I hear Rudy will be bringing this show to Harlem later on today. Hope Al Sharpton’s there to fuck with him. Remember what crazy Al said when everyone was talking about how much Rudy the great mayor brought the city together? I loved it. He said. ‘We would have come together if Bozo was the mayor.’ Only Al, and only in America.”

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