Romney Marries Queen Latifah

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Weeks of speculation on whether Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, committed bigamy by marrying Queen Latifah has come to an end after the female rapper/actress declared to a Mormon audience that she was indeed the “other” Mrs. Romney. Latifah was performing her hip-hop classics and jazz cover standards at The Depot when she shocked the lily white audience with a new rap lyric:
“You know me/Was never much into polygamy/That was for Mormon breeders/Religious cult leaders/And oceanic bottom feeders/But now I be free/As the other Mrs. Rom-neeeee!”

(Later she confessed to having thought about presenting the news in blank verse, but did not want to have the audience confuse her with T.S. Eliot, a common mistake people often make when meeting the over-sized black woman for the first time.)

The youth of Salt Lake City are notorious for running fifteen years behind the rest of the country in recognizing what is hip in music, especially in hip-hop, which was why they had showed up en masse to spasmodically bob their heads to a rapper who had peaked in 1993 with her Grammy Award winning single “U.N.I.T.Y.,” and why also Latifah had showed up en masse in Utah – an arrangement a Rolling Stone writer called “a symbiotic time-warp relationship between the Mormons and Queen Latifah.” (The now popular hip-hop artist, 50 Cent, is scheduled to appear at The Depot on March 21, 2020.)

Latifah signaled for the band to slow and quiet the tempo so to allow the descendents of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, many of whom were attired in hooded sweatshirts, to digest the import of her last rhyme. Then she leaned over the front of the stage, and, waving her microphone-free hand, shouted out to the audience:

“Oh I get it. It’s okay for your great-great-grand-daddy to have multiple wives, but not for Mitt Romney, hah! Well guess what, I’m proud to be the other Mrs. Romney. And if you don’t like it, then you’re a racist.”

At this point white liberal guilt trumped moral revulsion to bigamy, as the crowd applauded Latifah for having applied the whip to them without a thought to fairness.

Latifah went on: “And now, people, let’s give it up for my husband, Mitt!”

Mitt Romney strutted onto the stage wearing a Utah Jazz baseball cap turned sideways, baggy shorts and an array of gold chains. He carried a wireless microphone, and, with it, saluted the audience:

“Yo, wazzup!”

Romney hugged his wife to tepid cheers, which turned into a roar when he leaned Latifah backward with all the gallantry of a knight errant and proceeded with a long, tongue-swirling interracial kiss. Then the newlyweds broke free of another and began to perform a duet of one of the Queen’s more popular singles, “How Do I Love Thee.”

At the post-concert press conference, Mr. and Mrs. Romney, along with the blonde Mrs. Romney, Ann, addressed the mystery of how this tight-ass white man of privilege and this younger African-American girl rapper from Newark, in the words of The Voice in the movie trailers, had come to “break all the rules.” They had met at a pick-up basketball game at a playground along 8 Mile Road in Detroit. Latifah, whose real name is Dana Owens, had been a star power forward in high school; and so it became the assignment of Romney, known as much for his tallness as for his business savvy, to guard his future wife.

“She was a formidable defender in the box,” marveled Romney. “Once she establishes position, she’s impossible to move.”

“And Mitt has a hell of a baby hook shot.”

On the playground, they went at it for a solid hour, banging each other under the basket, as their sweat intermingled in a saccharine metaphor that their love cannot be stopped by human pores. They confessed that each represented something that had been missing in the other’s life. For Latifah it was a man, whereas for Romney it was a black person.

“We’re all happy,” said Ann Romney. “Now take that, Barack Obama. Mitt’s wife is blacker than your wife.”

“Yes, black America,” joined in Latifah, “vote Mitt Romney for President. That way America will have both a First Lady and a Queen.”