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NEW YORK, NY – The tight race for the Democratic Presidential nominee took a bizarre turn this past week when Hillary Clinton joined – or rather was joined to -- her husband, Bill, to become the first human hybrid. Clinton strategist are banking on their revised candidate having the charisma of Bill (to offset that of Obama) and the ultra competence and the ability to not blink for four consecutive days of Hillary. The name of the hybrid is a linguistic hybrid, Billary. The Clintons had always made a formidable political team, so the next logical step was to put the “I” in team and become a single Democratic Superman/Woman.
“I prefer the term Superwoman/Man,” said the side of Billary that possesses all female attributes.
ORLANDO, FL – In the race between Republican Presidential candidates to appear the most Reagan-like, John McCain has gone senile. This was achieved by having his younger wife, Cindy, inject amyloid beta into his brain to hasten the onset of Alzheimer’s. Those present knew the ploy was successful when John called Cindy “Mama,” the same word Ronnie used when his power-hungry wife, Nancy, tucked him into bed each night.
EL PASO, TX – Mike Huckabee has reversed his stance on immigration, saying that he is all for illegal – and against legal -- entrance into the U.S.. This is not to say that he is reneging on his pledge to build a giant, impregnable wall that would discourage even the late great prison escape artist, Willie Sutton – not at all.
“The way I see it,” said Huckabee to a rally of white and Hispanic Texans, along with two dog massage therapists from Singapore, “if you can get over a wall designed to kill anyone trying to get past it, then, golly gee, you deserve to be an American citizen.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Weeks of speculation on whether Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, committed bigamy by marrying Queen Latifah has come to an end after the female rapper/actress declared to a Mormon audience that she was indeed the “other” Mrs. Romney. Latifah was performing her hip-hop classics and jazz cover standards at The Depot when she shocked the lily white audience with a new rap lyric:
“You know me/Was never much into polygamy/That was for Mormon breeders/Religious cult leaders/And oceanic bottom feeders/But now I be free/As the other Mrs. Rom-neeeee!”
NEW YORK, NY – Presidential candidate, Rudy Giuliani, got into the Christmas spirit this weekend when he passed out free 911s to the poor huddled masses of New York City. At various points throughout Manhattan, he stood in the back of an eighteen-wheeler, like a rock star at the edge of the stage, with crowds of people stretching their arms toward him seeking his munificence.
WASHINGTON DC – Hillary Clinton’s Presidential campaign was rocked by scandal this week, as former lounge singer, Gennifer Flowers, came forward with the claim that she and the New York Senator have been having an affair for the past twelve years. This is the same woman who, in 1992, interrupted Bill Clinton’s bid for leadership of the free world by announcing to both the free and un-free world that she and the former Governor of Arkansas had been carrying on a secret dalliance for twelve years.
WASHINGTON DC -- The Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-California), met this past Friday with her congressional counterpart, Republican Leader, John Boehner, to talk turkey. They met at the Fife and Rum Tavern, a seedy establishment known more for its pickled eggs and fifty-cent hotdogs than as a meeting place for Washington power brokers and cute boy pages. Pelosi and Boehner wanted to establish that neither was an establishment kind of politician.
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