Obama’s Got Your Stimulation Package Right Here!

WASHINGTON, DC – It was a much covered event when President-elect, Barack Obama, unveiled to Congress his new economic stimulus package. But only a few media members followed him afterward to the Sons of Donnie Brasco Wannabe Hall where he changed into sweatpants, a T-shirt and a lot of gold jewelry, and gave an address of a different sort.

“Ey, how  you doin’, folks?” said Obama in a cross between a Sicilian accent, a Brooklyn inflection and something only heard in grade school renditions of My Cousin Vinny. “Now listen here. A lot of yuz people are worried about jobs, money – sorry, denaro – and where you’re gonna get your next Sinatra CD. Well I’m gonna tell you right now…dat…eh…I got your economic stimulus package right here! Aaah?”

Obama stepped away from behind the podium and grabbed his crotch, all the while shaking his limbs around like he had lost all bone structure.

“You know what I’m saying? Aaah?”

The crowd in the hall roared their approval. Someone yelled out, “What about dem Orientals making all our products?”

“You mean the Asian Mon-stah? Lemme tell yuz something. Those rice-eaters can eat my pepperoni ensemble instead. Dat’s what I’m talking about! You know what the Hang Seng Composite Index can do? Aaah? It can bend over this podium right here, and, ba-boom!” Obama thrust his hips forward while pulling his elbows to the rear. “Aaaah?”

A well dressed man with wire-framed glasses stepped away from the mass of Yankee jerseys and over-sized white Nike sneakers, and asked: “Mr. President-elect, earlier you told Congress that your stimulus package will cost eight hundred billion dollars, yet you plan on also cutting taxes. My question is this, with the outgoing administration already spending billions a day in Iraq and Afghanistan, and with your proposed reduction in revenue gathering, where will this money come from? And, what is more, how many future generations of Americans will be paying for your plan?”

“Who is dis egg-head jabroni?  Hey pal, Alan Greenspan’s looking for his scrawny posture and pocket calculator. Ey, pal, how much do you bench, a Popsicle stick with two Certs on da ends? Aaah? Who is dis guy. Get ‘em outta here.” Obama slid a thumb over his nose and sniffed with satisfaction.

Two heavy bouncers with enough black chest hair to clog the Hudson River roughed up the strange educated man and began to haul him out of the room. The crowd cheered when his boy scout-styled haircut became mussed and his skewed glasses hung from only one ear.

“Kick ass, Obam-a-roni!” yelled a few young men, who were obvious fans of Ultimate Fighting.

“Fahgeddaboutit!” returned the next President of the United States, lifting his shoulders up and down, and looking from side to side as if he were standing on the curb of Seventh Avenue and was feeling contempt for the passing traffic.
A little old lady wearing a shawl and a tri-corner hat raised her quivering voice: “Young man, you mentioned to Congress today about a publics works project to rebuild roads, bridges and other decaying infrastructure. You know that reminds me when I lost my virginity to FDR’s cane…”

“Eh, grandma, too much information, if you catch my drift. But lemme tell you about my intra…infra…whatever that fancy name is…eh, I got your infrastructure right here!” Again he gripped the soon-to-be-Presidential unit. “You know what else? My Uncle Sal will be supplying all the concrete for dis inner-structure…and my Uncle Tony needs work, too, so he’ll be dumping da bodies under the concrete. Fahgeddaboutit!...All right, dat’s it for my speech, which, as you know, I got right here! Now where’s the pizza?”

Obama left the hall and changed into his usual Senatorial attire. He tossed the sweatpants, T-shirt and jewelry to a homeless person in the alley. There he saw the man whom he had called a jabroni, and accosted him in his Harvard-trained cadence:
“Sorry sir for inciting that hairy, non-book reading mob against you, but it was necessary to appear like a regular guy who wouldn’t know the legislative branch of the American government from a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. We both know that the American people vote for leaders more ignorant than themselves who still believe that Adam and Eve were their great-great-grandparents…So to now answer your question…Part of the eight hundred billion…”