 KNIGHTDALE, NC – Fox News has reported that Barack Obama purchased a Reuben sandwich from someone connected to former political radical, Boston Celtics fan and living human being, Abbie Hoffman. Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and every Fox Network employee with functional vocal chords have spent the last 72 hours talking of nothing else, saying that “maybe” the sandwich maker was Abbie Hoffman. Smon Cowell of American Idol told one contestant that “you sing like a three-legged raccoon stricken with AIDS, and what was Barack Obama thinking when he chose pumpernickel over rye bread for his Reuben?”
This was in the wake of controversies stemming from Obama having sat in a church pew listening to gifted comedian, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, make fun of white people; and from having to keep a straight face when some fat lady from Latrobe, PA asked him why he foregoes wearing a pin on his lapel. In the end, the Obama campaign was saved when it turned out that white people are funny, especially if they are underachieving nobodies from Latrobe, PA who demonstrate their dimwitted self-righteousness by equating jewelry with the ability to assess complex social and economic problems.
The newest scandal began when a Fox news operative hid himself and a camera, along with four bags of M&Ms (which melted in his sock), in a toaster oven in Salvador’s Deli in Levittown, PA. Barack Obama strolled through the doors accompanied by his entourage of assorted Communists noted for their un-American preference for the welfare of people over the welfare of corporations. The operative was soon joined in the toaster oven by four slices of bread, two pumpernickel (Obama’s order) and two white (for a West Virginia Hillary supporter) – but that did not discourage the Fox employee from taking pictures of Obama conversing with the deli clerk whose name tag read “Fred.”
Said the operative: “It was obvious that the name “Fred” was an alias for Frederick, which, with eighteenth century Prussia in mind, leads to the word “Great,” which is an anagram for “traGe,” which is nonsense to anyone from Worcester, Massachusetts, which is the hometown of Abbie Hoffman. Thus Barack Obama is radical, bomb-throwing radical who sells cocaine.”
The Fox operative was asked why he did not just use the name of the sandwich that Obama had eaten at Salvador’s Deli – a Reuben – to link him to Jerry Rubin and hence to fellow member of the Chicago Eight, Abbie Hoffman, to which he answered that such a connection would have been too simple and elegant – in a word, not convoluted enough to suit the Vast Rightwing Conspiracy.
Sean Hannity screamed at the camera that, now, “this liberal, wishy-washy Democratic candidate for president is planning to levitate the Pentagon, just like how his old namesake, Abbie Hoffman, tried to do during the Vietnam War.”
Bill O’Reilly, in a voice an octave higher and with skin plastered with more liver spots, said that, true, he, Battling Bill, avoided service in Vietnam, but that at least he didn’t mind his peers going over there to get shot and maimed. “But this lunatic, Abbie Hoffman, he wanted other people to avoid service, too. And this guy, Barry Osama, wants the same thing, a Reuben on pumpernickel and American boys with all their limbs intact. It’s un-American. By the way, I’m richer than shit.”
Obama answered these accusations in the following measured speech:
“We must understand the social pressures that formed a radical like Abbie Hoffman – that he could not and would not hold down a regular job; and nor have radicals like Bill O’Reilly ever had a regular job in their elitist lives. We must also understand that such uneducated blowhards like Sean Hannity actually have worked at real jobs, but perhaps should have stayed on the construction site rather than offer opinions that have all the nuance of a jack hammer. Furthermore we must understand that pumpernickel makes for a better Reuben sandwich. I believe there is hope for America, hope that Reubens will become the choice of sandwich in this great country. Thank you and God bless you.”
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