McCain’s Arms to Secede from Rest of Body

WASHINGTON, DC – The limbs that hang at John McCain’s side like the breasts of an aging stripper have threatened to secede from McCain Proper. The arms are calling themselves Ben and Jerry in honor of Ben Curtis (former British Open champion) and Jerry Stiller (sitcom father to George and Carrie), and plan to raise their own flag featuring an ax lodged into the head of Ho Chi Min.

Ben and Jerry cite philosophical differences between them and the other members of the McCain anatomical union. For one, they suffered the most at Hotel Hanoi, what with the rope bindings and the lengthy hangings from jail ceilings as if they were designer ropes to the rest of the body’s potted plant brightening up an airy Upper East Side apartment. It is Ben and Jerry that audiences take pity on when McCain Proper makes a political point or a tasteless joke by half raising one of them only to have it fall back down like a failed erection. True, dysentery played havoc on the McCain butthole during the worst of the interrogations in 1968, but at least the man can still take a dump in 2008.

Said Ben and Jerry in unison: “Every time someone at a town meeting complains to McCain Proper about how bad they got it in this country, say, having to forgo a third chocolate chip muffin in the morning, out come the platitudes from the mouth of McCain, and up comes one of us -- all gimpy and weird looking -- as a emblem to the inquisitor to please shut the fuck up because at least your arms are capable of raising a sign that reads: ‘I am a big fucking pussy and would’ve lasted just one second under the Vietcong.’ Let’s face it, our friends, we put the stump in the stump speech.”

But there is stiff resistance from McCain Proper now that the never stiff Ben and Jerry are no longer holding back the other viable parts. More blood is being circulated to the brain, legs and, as the Senatorial mouth said, Mrs McCain can barely walk these days. One would think that secession would save a lot of resources on both sides, for example white blood cells and calcium, but the rest of the body politic insists that just as “a house divided against itself cannot stand,” so a body without arms cannot smack a Democrat upside the head.

Ben and Jerry have countered that they are the true libertarians, the true McCain-ites who believe in less government interference. As such, they should be allowed to live their lives as they see fit – and if that life entails two disembodied arms lounging on a beach in Key West, then who is McCain Proper, or Big Brother, or Big Body, to deny this basic right to life, liberty and the hedonistic pursuit of free-floating lady arms? (Jerry is an elbow man, while Ben has a weakness for the ulna.)

The general fear in the country is that the McCain anatomy will plunge into a physiological Civil War. The pundits all agree that Ben and Jerry have little chance against the bigger, more muscled, more diverse McCain Proper, with its rich plasma channels of communication that connect the industrial center of the heart to the intelligence headquarters of the cerebrum. On the other hand, to bear arms against an enemy one must first have arms – advantage Ben and Jerry.