McCain Goes Senile in Effort to be More Reagan-esque
01.25.08

ORLANDO, FL – In the race between Republican Presidential candidates to appear the most Reagan-like, John McCain has gone senile. This was achieved by having his younger wife, Cindy, inject amyloid beta into his brain to hasten the onset of Alzheimer’s. Those present knew the ploy was successful when John called Cindy “Mama,” the same word Ronnie used when his power-hungry wife, Nancy, tucked him into bed each night.

Previous to the Alzheimer’s injection, it had been tough going for the Arizona Senator, as he had to downplay his legitimate war record as a fighter pilot and a POW during the Vietnam War in order to build up the Reagan-esque fantasy that he was, in reality, first, Chuck Norris in Missing in Action, then Sly Stallone in Rambo I through XVII, and maybe even Robert DeNiro in The Deer Hunter, which would have allowed him to sing “Sweet Caroline” whenever drinking in a dive working class bar.

This is only the most recent attempt by the field of Republican candidates to pass themselves off as the 2008 reincarnation of the 40th President of the United States, 33rd Governor of California and first man to dye his hair black and not be laughed out of the room. Mitt Romney already had the blackened hair, so he opted instead to hire Oliver North as his personal valet, who would not allow Mitt – under any circumstances – to wear leopard underwear. Rudy Giuliani tried to take credit for the heroism of the New York City police and firemen by speaking into a microphone in imitation of how Reagan lifted scenes from movies to make himself the hero of World War II. Fred Thompson had to drop out of the race because, though a professional actor like The Great Obfuscator, he could not hide the fact that he was smart and had earned a real law degree at a real college, Vanderbilt, unlike the comic book-reading Reagan and his sociology degree at Eureka College.

Reagan had been a Born Again Christian, meaning he believed in the fairy tale that Folks for Jesus would be lifted to Heaven in something called The Rapture, while those who did not believe in ghosts would remain behind to be treated to nuclear war and all kinds of other unpleasant situations, in particular daily visits from a mutant, post-holocaust Henry Winkler. Reagan tried his best to help the Christian prophesy become a reality by picking a nuclear fight with the USSR until, finally, Gorbachev said, “Listen, pal, I have enough problems with this giant stain on my head and a wife who wants to spend rubles like – like, well, your own wife. So take my missiles, please.”

Mike Huckabee had started the race to be the next clone of Reagan in great shape. He, too, believed in ghosts and fairy tales, and, as a pastor of a church that once included one-third of the people in Arkansas (the other two-thirds having been followers of Garth Brooks), was a purveyor of the Truth that Adam and Eve were his great-great-grandparents. “I got my musical talent from great-great-granny, Eve,” Huckabee often told friends. But Huckabee was stymied when he attempted to incite the Arkansas National Guard to invade Russia in the hope that former KGB operative, Vladimir Putin, would retaliate with the remnants of his nuclear arsenal now being maintained by Russian call girls who promise “to love you long time,” and thereby initiate The Rapture. Then Huckabee tried to go the Reagan route of being a man of family values, except that Huckabee actually gets along with his kids, whereas the Reagan progeny were kept at bay by the Dragon Lady, Nancy, who vowed to cut off the balls of Ron Jr. if he ever dared bring Dad the Sunday Times.

Either way, Romney, Giuliani and Huckabee must re-think their Reagan wannabe strategy in the wake of McCain having gone senile.

Said political pundit Chris Matthews while someone else was talking, “The way McCain mistook his wife for Sandy Koufax, and the way he’s been drooling all over himself while watching The Price is Right – McCain at this point in the race is looking the most Reagan-esque. Now if he would take some black shoe polish to his hair, the transformation would be complete – John McCain would be Ronald Reagan.”

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