Huckabee Now Against Only Legal Immigration
01.15.08

EL PASO, TX – Mike Huckabee has reversed his stance on immigration, saying that he is all for illegal – and against legal -- entrance into the U.S.. This is not to say that he is reneging on his pledge to build a giant, impregnable wall that would discourage even the late great prison escape artist, Willie Sutton – not at all.

“The way I see it,” said Huckabee to a rally of white and Hispanic Texans, along with two dog massage therapists from Singapore, “if you can get over a wall designed to kill anyone trying to get past it, then, golly gee, you deserve to be an American citizen. This country was founded on hellish immigrant journeys that weeded out the weak and those with irritable bowel syndrome. It was unheard of back then to simply sign some paper work and, after a cozy plane ride, bam, you’re in America buying a Big Mac with the next stop being the hardening of the arteries.”

Someone yelled out that the way the airlines were running these days, a flight from El Salvatore to New York, was almost the equivalent of African slaves being packed like silicone atoms into the breasts of Pam Anderson – or at least he would have said that had not Huckabee’s pal, Jesus, struck him down with an American-made lightning bolt.

“Thank you, Jesus,” laughed Huckabee, looking up toward the sky – i.e., the primary residence of our Lord and Savior, who also just happens to be the former governor of Arkansas’s best campaigner.

“Legal immigration is weakening the American character. Only the softies, the weanies, come here legally. They come here with their internets and their joysticks and their iPhones, their bodies fattened with airline food and soda. No, my fellow Americans, what we need are the twelve tribes of Israel wandering the desert for forty years living off camel meat and scorpions and then slaying the Canaanites and taking the land, as white Europeans came to this continent and massacred the Injuns.

“Forget about written exams on the Constitution and who was the first President – any nerd with a laptop can pass that citizenship test. The better test is, can you scale an electric fifty-foot wall and then outwit a posse of gun-wielding Texan rednecks looking to mount your head on their trailer wall? Can you, an aspiring American from Yemen, manage to falsify passports, take a speedboat to the Aleutian Islands, surf atop the back of a sperm whale to Vancouver, and, best of all, convince the border police in Washington state that you, a turban wearing, swarthy man with a tasteful tattoo of bin Laden on your cheek, are a wind energy expert from Norway named Jorgen Bjornson? Give us your rugged, fast-on-their-feet, borderline criminal individualists – that’s what it should say on Ellis Island.”

Both the white and Hispanic members of the audience were won over by Huckabee’s argument, as evidenced by not one assassination attempt.

Afterward, Jose Gonzales, a local cactus trimmer, said this was good news for his cousin across the border, Antonio, who is an accomplished check-forger and a really fast runner, two talents essential with regard to illegal immigration.

Jenna McCarthy, a convenience store clerk, said that Huckabee is right, that “this country was founded on genocide, bogus treaties that would make a credit card executive blush, and steroids. Everything about our history is illegal. So I reckon it makes sense that we should be encouraging illegal immigration. Legal immigrants have no place in America.”

At that point, Huckabee was playing his guitar and singing, “I fought the law and the law was merely a road-block to be outwitted in my quest for American citizenship…” Da, na, na naa!

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