Hillary Caught in Another Flowers Scandal
12.02.07

WASHINGTON DC – Hillary Clinton’s Presidential campaign was rocked by scandal this week, as former lounge singer, Gennifer Flowers, came forward with the claim that she and the New York Senator have been having an affair for the past twelve years.  This is the same woman who, in 1992, interrupted Bill Clinton’s bid for leadership of the free world by announcing to both the free and un-free world that she and the former Governor of Arkansas had been carrying on a secret dalliance for twelve years.

“That’s what I do,” said Flowers. “I devote a dozen years to be being the covert lover of a political Clinton. Before Bill, I was the spiritual paramour of De Witt Clinton, Governor of New York during the eighteen-twenties. At the time, he was still doing time in purgatory for having built the Erie Canal – not a bad thing – but it did lead to Buffalo becoming a major city – and for that God is still insisting that he cool his jets before entering the Pearly Gates.”

In 1992, Flowers had also asserted that she had borne Bill Clinton a son, which she gave up for adoption. Now she is making a similar claim, that she and Hillary have had a child together. It happened within a month after the Clinton presidency when Hillary was suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome, meaning her Nest Egg Fund had been depleted as a result of all the legal fees she had to pay to combat the Vast Rightwing Conspiracy.

“We were cuddled on the couch eating Doritos,” said Flowers, “and watching Thelma and Louise. I knew Hillary had the blues. Her life had lost meaning. And so I said, “Honey, let’s adopt a kid.” Hillary thought for a while, and then said, “Only if it’s a boy who we can indoctrinate into being a purveyor of feminist dogma.”  I told her she could take care of the Betty Friedan end of it, and I would teach the boy how to score with chicks. Hillary can be so serious sometimes.”
Gennifer Flowers now operates an old bordello turned cabaret in the French Quarter, which she called, in her press conference, “a great place to raise a kid.”

The ladies decided to adopt the same child that had issued from the gubernatorial loins of Bill Clinton and gestated in the lounge-singing womb of Flowers, though the boy had already been adopted and was now a 22-years-old Dallas Postal worker. Flowers said that this obstacle was overcome by Hillary using her connections with the CIA to have the boy’s adopted parents killed in a hot dog eating contest; then the Company abducted the boy and took him to a “facility” to brainwash him into believing he was a ten-year-old boy thrilled at the idea of being raised by two bi-sexual women.

The day after Gennifer Flowers weaved this tale to the media, Hillary Clinton met with reporters to tell her side of the story.

“First of all,” said an angry Mrs. Clinton, “if I had people in the CIA to do my bidding, that lounge singing whore would have been tortured on a water board a long time ago, to say nothing of having the soles of her feet whacked by bamboo poles.”

A reporter pointed out to Mrs. Clinton that she may have gotten the CIA mixed up with the Singapore police, with the latter specializing in applying bamboo to the bottoms of metatarsals.

“What’s the difference?” snapped Hillary. “It all hurts like a bastard.”

Clinton then refuted every one of Flowers’ claims, the last of which was that regardless of her thick ankles and championship of liberal government, she, Hillary, liked men in the romantic sense of the term, as evidenced by her marriage to the world’s leading womanizer.

“Besides, say I did go that way, I like to think I’d prefer a woman with a little more substance, not some Texas bimbo who can’t even spell her own name right. Who the hell uses a “G” instead of a “J” in Jennifer except a tart who thinks bleach is a hair conditioner? … Now I could see Condi and me sharing a brownstone in Georgetown. And we wouldn’t be cuddling with a bag of Doritos, maybe an hors D’oeuvre salad. And instead of watching Thelma and Louise, we would study documentaries on foreign policy and an occasional re-run of Hogan’s Heroes.”

Meanwhile Bill Clinton went on every available talk show to defend his wife. He used flawless logic when he said: “If anyone can answer the question as to the lesbian tendencies of both Hillary and Ms. Flowers, that would be Bubba, and Bubba says, No way, Jose.”

Archive