Glenn Beck to Run for President

MACON, GA – Squeaky voiced chubby conservative pundit, Glenn Beck, announced yesterday that he will be running for President as an Independent, or, as he noted, “as a Dependent of the Late Great Jesus Christ. My Lord needs to claim me on his taxes.”

Beck has been on a tour throughout the South promoting his new book You Can’t Beat a Hitler Analogy. He was signing a copy of his latest treatise in the home appliance section of a Bed Bath and Beyond – not in a bookstore, since people who buy books are elitists -- when he looked up at a display of an alarm clock that can also clip toe nails. At that moment, 2:34 PM (and with his toes trimmed to perfection), the idea hit him to declare his candidacy.

But first he had to preface his announcement the way he prefaces all his remarks, as when comparing global warming activists to Hitler, or the inventor of the pastrami sandwich to Hitler, and that was to say that he is a recovering alcoholic and had only attended one semester of college. The complete text was as follows:

“Hi my name is Glenn Beck. I used to swill down beers like an Irishman about to be blasted off into space. I once thought college was too full of educated people for my taste (a taste, mind you, that leans toward meals high in cheese content), so I dropped out to spin records on a radio station that paid me in nachos and quesadillas. And now I want to say to my fellow Americans that I am running for the office of the President of the United States. By the way, Jimmy Carter was just like Hitler.”

Beck plans to call his party “The Flat Earth Coalition.” This is in honor of “the smart American people, the ones with the commonsense to know that when you aim a gun at a Hispanic immigrant, the bullet does not fly off into space; and to also know that we are not evolved from chimps, but rather from incestuous relations between the kids of Adam and Eve. I may be a recovering drug addict and gotten an F in my lone semester of college, but at least I know the simple fact that only a small government, say about nine people, are enough to pave the roads, oversee a complex global financial system, fight terrorism, try and prosecute smart people who talk down to me, and bail out fat corporations so that We The People can go back to being jealous of bad CEOs raking in hundreds of million dollars a year. Lastly, Julie the Cruise Director from The Love Boat reminds me of Hitler.”

Beck believes in the wisdom of the American people, the same mob that once made a guy rich by buying millions of samples of his Pet Rocks – that is, stones with eyes painted on them. He professes that these same bipeds who equate reality TV with the Italian Renaissance can also construct subways that run on Mountain Dew and space shuttles that take off using self-esteem as fuel.

“There is nothing the American people can’t do,” said Beck, “once they understand that college graduates are nothing more than little Hitlers running around with their big words and fancy equations. You don’t need a master’s degree in architecture to build a one hundred story building – just a copy of the Old Testament and a screw driver.”

Beck hinted that he may pick as his running mate former construction worker and fellow political TV and radio pundit, Sean Hannity, another uneducated rube who tells the world that ignorance is the new intelligence, and therefore enlightened people are stupid, and therefore Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity should be elected to run the world – just like Hitler.