American Super Beings Condemn Bush

AMERICA – A recent Galloping Poll has determined that the Non-Silent-to-the-point-where-you-wish-they-would-just-shut-up-Majority of Americans think that, in the matter of inherent brain power, moral fortitude and joke-telling ability, they are superior to their dear and soon to be departed President, George W. Bush. The poll divides this condescending mass into sub-groups indicating, first, their worldview and examples of their genius, and, second, what it was about Dubya that provoked them to become snobs. There is even a transcript of individual interviews conducted on the streets, coffee shops and Keno bars across the land by the CEO of the Galloping Poll, Mr. Ed, a Palomino American Saddlebred with a folksy manner.

73 percent of Americans who cheat on their spouses and then claim that those one-hour motel receipts were for kennel storage say that Bush was immoral to lie about Iraq possessing WMDs. A few of these individuals told Mr. Ed of how silly it would have been for Saddam Hussein to have hid Whacky Masturbating Divas beneath his private collection of Thomas Kinkade paintings.

56 percent of people who do one hundred percent of their reading when deciding who to vote for in American Idol “snorted with derision” upon being told of the famous quote from Bush that we want “a more literate country and a hopefuller country." Agatha Christie from Dallas, Texas, speaking into Mr. Ed’s butt while holding up his tail, made this erudite point: “Don’t that moron know that he should’ve said ‘hopier country?’”

68 percent of those who still persist in telling “knock-knock” jokes long after this particular comic format has been replaced by ones beginning with What’s the difference between such and such? rolled their eyes at the quip Bush made when asked by a British kid to describe the Executive Mansion: “It is white.” These out-of-date funny people viewed Bush as a complete idiot for not knowing that the White House has plenty of doors with which to inspire some excellent knock-knock jokes, for example: “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Barack.” “Barack who?” “Barack to take your place in this oval office.” Ba-bing!

99 percent of ultra educated liberals who browbeat into submission anyone disagreeing with the opinion that all Republicans are slime-balls who deserve a horrible death at the hands of rabid monkeys also condemn Bush for his arrogance to think he can tell other countries what to do in their own regions, even when a bordering country is aiming nuclear warheads directly at Mrs. Dictator’s shoe closet. One such leftist lady, who had not shaved her legs since Barney Frank cancelled his subscription to Playboy, scolded Mr. Ed for not bagging his own poop, and then told him to “just get over Wilbur!”

64 percent of Americans so inept at managing their own lives as to have applied for mortgages worth ten times their weekly salary, when in fact they had no salary, since the only secondary education they had ever pursued was every Friday when buying scratch tickets across the street from a Jesuit college, and who furthermore cannot perform the simple grocery market transaction of handing money to a clerk and then taking the receipt from the clerk without federal mediation and a full-scale intervention from a bald TV talk show host – yes, these same folks who struggle to navigate a typical pedestrian day voted Bush and his administration the most incompetent government ever to oversee a globe of six billion selfish souls all linked through a computer network that not even Einstein, Newton and Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation could comprehend, much less use for the good of Mankind.

87 percent of guys who spend 56 percent of their waking lives playing violent video games like 50 Cent: Bulletproof and 49 Cent: Total Decapitation, and who spend the other 44 percent fantasizing about being Jason Statham in the Transporter movies kicking the shit out of any poor bastard who just happens to be working for a Criminal Mastermind – these soft-muscled blood-seekers were outraged by the President’s macho posturing. “Mr. Ed,” said Alan Thicke, a master at the video game Crime Life: Gang Wars, “we should be trying, like, to make peace, not, like war. By the way, dude, is it true that a horse is a horse?” To which Mr. Ed answered, “Of course, of course.”