Blagojevich Promotes Huge Christmas Sale

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Illinois Governor Milorad Blagojevich (pronounced Make-me-rich) has been under investigation for attempting to sell the Senate seat of President-Elect Obama in exchange for a set of breast implants -- and a set for his wife, too. He also tried to pawn off the Chinese Premiership, though the closet he has ever come to East Asia is a Southside Vietnamese restaurant called Ho Chi Min’s Bar and Grill owned by two Italian lesbians named Sophia and Gina. Now the Governor is going public in his quest to commercialize the government by holding a Christmas clearance sale in the basement of the Executive Mansion. He will be selling a whole range of state items from the other Illinois Senate seat -- just the actual seat not the office at present held by Dick Durbin, who now has to scramble to locate a decent leather upholstered chair that will have ample lumbar padding – to Dog-Catcher Second Grade in Peoria.

The Governor will be greeting shoppers at the door to the basement wearing a Santa Claus suit minus the red hat, since one of the tagged items will be his hair. Some people think that this weird hirsute ensemble is more like a helmet, one dipped in iron sprinkled with Rogaine. In one of the commercials advertising the big blowout sale, Blagojevich can be seen shouting into the camera:

“The Blagojevich haircut will not stay on the floor for long, people, so you better hurry! Chicago Bears linebacker, Brian Urlacher, is willing to give my wife, the ever covetous Patricia, ten lessons on how to paralyze a running back coming up the middle if only he can paint the Bears logo on the side of my hair!”

Blagojevich is also selling the gubernatorial exclamation points from all his TV ads and more for the ones employed in his FBI-taped phone conversations, with the highest price reserved for the sentence that ends with “…Obama can suck my second generation Serbian flesh missile!!!”

The basement racks are filled with such great gift ideas as the shingles from the roof of the Lincoln National Park, individual toll booths from Interstate 90, and gallon containers of water from the Chicago River blessed by the Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
Blagojevich says that the prices are INSANE, having been diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder that includes Mrs. O’Leary of the Great Fire of 1871 who keeps uttering the words. “What about Mr. O’Leary?” Yes, he is practically giving this stuff away, especially since it is not his stuff.

The Governor further noted that there is too much commercialism associated with Christmas nowadays, and that is the reason why the government should be the source of your Holiday shopping.