Biden Vows to Say Some Really Crazy Shit as New President of Senate

WASHINGTON. DC – Barack Obama has been elected President of the United States. Thus his running mate, Joe Biden, will now preside over the Senate – and no one is happier than CSPAN. The reason is that Biden, who is notorious for putting his foot in his mouth while eating a chicken salad sandwich, is already on record as saying that if the country thought he was loose with the tongue in the past, it should get ready for some “really crazy shit” now that he no longer has to, in his words, “kiss the collective ass of the moronic citizenry, not just West Virginia.” CSPAN anticipates a ratings bonanza in this age of reality TV.

“Pah-leeze,” said an anonymous source at the very, very top of the CSPAN hierarchy, “shows like Survivor, Big Brother, Real World will have nothing on Biden in terms of scathing comments meant to embarrass and humiliate both the target and the shooter. We are already selling commercial time for the first vote on banking legislation when Joe will no doubt say something along the lines of, ‘Hey Wall Street, I got your socialism right here,’ while grabbing his crotch.”
Another CSPAN executive, who chose to remain synonymous with starched collars, added that he hopes Biden is wearing sweatpants when clutching the Vice Presidential jewels. “That would make it all the more poignant, and if he tops it off by combing back his hair ala Elvis, well, that’s Super Bowl ad revenue, my friend.”

Longtime members of Biden’s staff have disclosed some of the “really crazy shit” liable to issue from the running mouth of their boss toward various Senators while in session:

To Jim Bunning (R – KY), a former major league pitcher: “Hey Jim, that vote against Affirmative Action is something expected from a guy who throws like a six-year-old girl.”

To John Sununu (R – NH), anti-tax advocate: “You’re right, Sununu, let’s finance the massive governmental apparatus by selling the fungus between your toes. Oh, and one more thing, your name sounds like a fungus.”

To Hillary Clinton (D – NY), who Biden debated against in the Democratic Primary: “Hillary, I told you then and I’ll tell now, you need to start doing Pilates.”

To John McCain (R – AZ), who is beginning to lose his mental quickness to old age: “Dude, should I call Joe the Plumber to help you make up your mind?”

To Ed Kennedy (D – MA), who lives on Cape Cod: “Ed, what’s up with seagulls?”

To Sam Brownback (R – KS), who believes in Creationism: “Listen, Sam, yes, democracy is a long drawn out process, but the world wasn’t created in six days.”

CSPAN is also considering the marketing angles, like T-shirts, coffee mugs and bumper stickers that read “America: Some Really Crazy Shit.”