Just Another Short Guy

...Yep, just another short guy who believes that the last 100,000 years of human evolution and sexual selection favoring tall guys should be over-turned in his particular case; who either over-compensates, under-compensates, or doesn't compensate at all, when none of it matters since he has to still watch people buy into the belief that Shaquille O'Neal is smart and funny; who truly believes that a super model should overlook his shortcomings, though not to the point of gazing straight over his pea-sized head toward the alpha male standing next to his brand new Porsche; who refuses to take his own advice given to roly-poly women and accept a less attractive, more plausible girl, which explains why he has not been laid since the tenth grade when, at a keg party, Debby the town-pump mistook him for Mick Jagger; who, with age and countless hours slumped over his Game Boy, will only further shrink until the day comes when he can walk erect under a dining room table while hoping that no one pushes the dip tray on his head; who has to listen to a 5'1'' girl announce that she only dates men over six-feet-two, and then resist the urge to grab her by the shoulders, and say, "You DO know that you're short, too, right?"; who delusional to the point of seeing pink elephants working the cash registers at the local Walmart as evidenced by how he clings to the dream of playing center for the Celtics while Bridget Moynihan waits for him after the game; who has to put his hands over his ears and hum, "Nah, nah, nah" when, every week without fail, the BBC reports that taller men make more money than their more height-challenged gender mates instead of doing what successful dwarf men do – operate internet scams while posing as a nubile nineteen-year-old girl; who wonders why women have to drive a stake through his trollish heart by using all capital letters when spelling TALL when listing their most important requirement in a man aside from him being able to repeat the words “good for you” to homeless people who have just announced that they now have enough money to buy a chocolate donut; who is too proud to dance with a woman with his head staring at her breasts, regardless of their magnificence, because that's how you lose an eye; who has speculated what would happen if all guys 5'8" and under were to disappear from the world, and, as a result, if 5'10" guys would start to wear lifts in their shoes and try harder in bed; and who has never read a single article on NYC Mayor Bloomberg that did not mention his short stature, as if to ask if he deserves to even live much less run the greatest city on the planet.

And that's my story, as I get up on my tippy toes to reach a box of cereal on the top shelf.