Pretentious Phony Seeks Gullible Woman

I am that guy who sits in Starbucks wearing fashionable black frame glasses and grimaces at a laptop in the hope that people will perceive me as a genius with a tortured soul. Never mind that I have 20-20 vision, because I need the frames to see myself at the center of the universe; or that the expression of deep concentration I exhibit to the masses is just me holding in the kind of fart that would clear a room faster than the FBI walking in on an Al Qaida bomb-making seminar; or that the text on my laptop is not the fifth chapter of my new novel, but rather IM messages from an illiterate girl with a web-cam in her bedroom.

I am also that guy who responds to statements by holding my chin, nodding, and saying the word “interesting.” On low sperm count days, I will go one step further and cross my legs for the full George Plimpton effect. I get pissy around May of every year because I can no longer wear a scarf without looking like a total nincompoop, though the beret stays on throughout the year, even when making love. That’s right, I don’t fuck – I make love, no matter if the object of my refined desire is Tammy the crack whore who hangs out at the check cashing place down the street. I include the word “actually” in my every utterance, as it tends to actually intellectualize the most mundane talk. Did I mention my sensitive ponytail? Pull on it I will empathize with your pain, unless you have hemorrhoids – in that case, you’re on your own.

I know all about literature, though the last good book I read was The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man as a freshman in college when I tried to impress a hot English major going through the obligatory Sylvia Plath phase in her development on her path to becoming a horticulturist. You must be asking how it is that can I be a literati without having read novels, or books about novels, or novels that are books that open up into a ping-pong table – and the answer is easy: I wear black-framed glasses, a ponytail and a beret, enough already!

What I am looking for is a lady who will buy into this act, or someone under the same delusions of literary grandeur, or a gal who just gets turned on by guys who look good at a Starbucks table.