Personals Archive
 I am a winner! Why am I a winner? Well, because I talk in a booming voice, especially on a cell phone during a hushed Brit Milah ceremony (a Jewish circumcision) – and if the little bastard comes away losing more than expected of his future manhood, then chalk up another victory for this eternal winner! I am a lawyer by trade and an entrepreneur by virtue of my white teeth that are polished on a regular basis at the high-end Dental Burnishing Emporium where the receptionists look better than Hugh Hefner’s entourage and the actual cap whitener is Denise Richards reprising her The World is Not Enough role as Dr. Christmas Jones wherein the viewer has to suspend more belief than a Roman Catholic in buying into the former sex toy on Wild Things playing a nuclear physicist. Read more
Salutations, gentlemen. To start, like most beautiful and successful women, I should have just cut and pasted my six-page resume onto this personal ad with the deluded belief that what men really want in a lover is someone who has two master degrees, eleven certifications ranging from Dendrite Proliferation to Chemical Accounting, and who works 70 hours a week in “financial services.” But then I would have left out other feats meant to impress a guy who just wants to get laid. Ergo, call this my secondary resume.
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 Oh greetings, members of the fairer sex, whose feminine charms continue to elude my diaper-wearing grasp, however much my brain has the demented prowess of Hannibal Lecter, Albert Einstein and the creator of Family Guy. I recognize that a woman with an hour-glass figure is supposed to elicit carnal desire in a man, except that I am still a decade away from realizing a functional set of testicles – and may in fact never reach the age of masturbation in that my animator has given new meaning to the term arrested pre-pre-pre-pre-adolescence.
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Hi, fellows, boys, people with 2-D peckers, my name is Meg, though my horrible family refers to me as the Abortion That Couldn’t. My friends have never called me attractive, but luckily my three friends are themselves so hideous that I look almost Minnie Mouse-esque in comparison. To start, my creators (may they roast in hell, or Providence, Rhode Island, but I repeat myself) bequeathed to me only one curve, an unforgiving oval that begins at the tip of my head and draws a wide arc that does not stop until reaching my webbed feet.
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Reconnect with friends! 
Just Out of Rotation
My Friends Say I'm a Real...
Paris Hilton Seeks Human Bridge
Freshly Old
Seek Man Comfortable in Someone Else's Skin
Sullenness is a big part of my life
Getting Old
I Aspire to be a Stalker
I am so Busy – Now Suck My Toes
Older
Pretentious Phony Seeks Gullible Woman
A Lady who is This and That
Older Yet
Tired of Bald Chicks
Wanted: A Man Who Shaves Just his Face
Oldest
My Enemies Told Me to Write this Ad
Looking For an Actual Partner in Crime
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