Looking For an Actual Partner in Crime

Hello, my name is Chad Bulger, but my friends – at least the ones I have yet to rob of all their life savings – call me one crazy motherfucker.  What I am looking for is someone to share in my various criminal activities – for instance, the old bait and switch, which entails selling decomposing worm bait to young children and then switching their television programming from Sesame Street to a documentary entitled Calvin Coolidge: The Story of a Gab-fest. My lady, my partner in crime, would be in charge of rolling unsuspecting barefoot bumpkins fishing for carp and taking their bait.

When I say I want a bad girl, it is not in the sense of a male suburban wannabe bad-ass listening to 50 Cent rap tunes (opposed to the Cent-Man’s  Lawrence Welk tribute CD) being attracted to a Silvia Plath-like English major with a tramp stamp on her lower back. No, my girl not only would rob her own mother but would steal the identity of her mother and then sign over the house to her daughter, who would now be the mother and the daughter, both of whom would fall under the category of my bad girl lover, my partner in crime.  Imagine the crimes that such a gal and I could commit? On most days, she would be Bonnie to my Clyde, while, on the Sabbath, maybe just Kristin to my Fred, though never Allison to my Kendrick.

I want a girl to whom I can never turn my back, lest she take a rusty golf club to the rear of my knees (for fun); who makes Theresa Russell in Black Widow seem like Florence Nightingale serving as a den mother in a cub scout pack in a small Iowa town; who refuses to carry a wallet in her pocket book so to make room for a 357 Magnum and extra Kit Kat Bars; who never met a four-letter word she didn’t use in church or in public libraries; who only goes to libraries to whack nerds over the head with hardback tomes written by armies of Oxford scholars; and who is never happier when going into a bank with me on a romantic sunny afternoon and shooting at the ceiling and yelling for everyone to lay on the floor, this is a stick-up!