A Lady who is This and That

I am a fascinating blend of this, that and the other, the other being a congenital weakness for spray painted boxes of Cracker Jacks, which just demonstrates my whimsicality, or my refusal to part with card board snack containers.  I am so full of contradictions that I feel the need to tout them as a virtue, though, if it were someone else with the same contradictions, I would lecture them on how they need professional help.

I am a sensitive, caring woman, yet will also step on your face if you are lying on the sidewalk and I am late for a manicure. I am a lily white Caucasian with a rosy hue, who requires an umbrella on sunny days, yet, at the same time, I am an African-American just a tad darker than Grace Jones. I like to wear jeans AND a shirt – such is my zaniness. I listen to rock and roll, but, get this, I will also tap my foot to the word “and” in “Country and Western,” meaning you can throw “Country,” then “Western” right into the ten-gallon hat of Garth Brooks and toss it into the back of an F-150 truck and drive it into a swamp full of vacationing lawyers. I am an amateur violinists AND can operate a jack-hammer, though the latter gives me a splitting headache that is nonetheless worth is inasmuch as it gives me something else to brag about. I am a professional, who loves my job, yet once I sew up the last dead body at the morgue, I play hard, too, especially at board games where I tend to sweat and throw my elbows around at anyone who dares contradict my contradictions.

My friends say I have the energy of two people, while my ex-friends say that I am two people, while my family just calls me “special,” whereas my clients are corpses, so they don’t count. I am looking for a fella who is just as transfixed with me as I am with me, which would give us something in common – and we all know how important it is that a couple have shared interests.