Wanted: A Man Who Shaves Just his Face

Listen, guys, I didn’t like the movie Grizzly Adams when my father brought the movie home, along with a bag of Black Beauties, and popped one into the VCR and the other into his mouth, and proceeded to talk my ear off about the rich facial hair of Dan Haggerty; and I didn’t appreciate Tom Hanks, in Castaway, becoming best friends with a volley ball, and, to add to his embarrassment, forgetting to bring a couple year’s worth of Gillette Sensor Excels for a one-week trip; and I sure don’t dig guys in the Taliban, and not because they want to outfit me in a burka – hey, a burka with the right style sash and colored borders around the eye holes is cool when cruising South Beach after sunset . You may now guess that my least favorite President is Abe Lincoln. The funny thing is that I was a big fan when he debated Douglas with a clean visage – but then he lost my vote when he went all Amish on me. Fuckin’ men!

I am not asking for much – just a guy who takes a knife to his whatever-o’clock shadow on a daily and sometimes twice daily basis. Dude, you can leave the toilet seat up until the sun becomes a husk for all I care, so long as the moment I am done peeing standing up, you kiss me with a face as devoid of whiskers as a stainless steel sphere getting bombarded with hair-scorching gamma and alpha rays. Bro, you can turn on ESPN and then throw away the remote, but only with the provision that I am not rubbing faces with a werewolf – and I could give two shits if the teen wolf goes by the name of Michael J. Fox – and if you are Michael J. Fox and are clean-shaven, I will insist that you drop the pretentious “J.” Just call yourself Mike Fox, please.

All right, bachelors, let us review:

1) I want a man with a face so smooth that it makes the proverbial baby’s ass look a pet chinchilla, and,

2) If that man be Michael J. Fox, then he must edit the name to a manageable length. Please send a pic to verify your pristine mug.