Super Nerd Wants to Expand IM Abbreviations
02.10.08

NEWCASTLE, WA – Isaac Raphael is an eighteen-year-old man – kid, whatever -- who sits in a wheelchair and speaks using a keyboard over his lap. On his right cheek is a huge black mole that reminds one of an auto mechanic who missed a spot, or who just wants to impress the chicks with evidence of his manly labor. Isaac’s mother, Allison, hovers nearby with a tray of Doritos that she hand-feeds her “brilliant son.” It turns out that this brilliant son can walk and talk just fine, but feels that physical exertion has no place in “the new paradigm.”

We ask Isaac to define the new paradigm. He begins to type a series of IM abbreviations that are transferred to a voice box that delivers its message in the same tone and inflection used by Mel Gibson in Braveheart Meets the Parents but which sound like pure gibberish to this old paradigm reporter. That is why Allison, in her moo-moo, is present to serve as interpreter:

“Oh, my Isaac says that the old paradigm of functional legs and clear skin is becoming obsolete. The human mouth will lose its need to verbalize thought in the new paradigm, but will keep its ability to consume Doritos and Mountain Dew, and to give blowjobs to those still possessed of bipedal mobility and the ruthlessness to slap around helpless, wheelchair bound super nerds. Also going the way of the bronze breast plate will be the Queen’s English. Full words and sentences are a waste of time…”

Isaac becomes manic on his keyboard and thereby activates the voice of Mel Gibson. Allison and her one gallon of cheap perfume pay heed to the brilliant one.

“What’s that, dear? Oh…ummm…yes.” She turns toward us. “Isaac says that, yes, real words and thoughts are out of date, too cumbersome. On the other hand, it is imperative that language of instant messaging expand to include more detail. And that, Mr. Galaxy, is where my revolutionary boy enters the pixilated picture to help lead the old paradigm into the promised land of the new paradigm of permanent ADD and muscle atrophy.”

Isaac’s eyes start to roll and his fingers to fly over the keyboard. A printer is located on a shelf attached to his wheelchair, and is now outputting multiple sheets.

Allison collects the documents and hands them to us.

“This, Mr. Galaxy, is my son’s life work. As you can see, there are your standard IM abbreviations and their meanings, and below each one is an extension, an amendment, of those abbreviations. For example, the IM ‘PMSL,’ which is short for ‘pee myself laughing,’ can now be read as ‘PMSLADITNBIMU,’ that is, ‘pee myself laughing, and damn if there’s not blood in my urine.’ But here, you read it for yourself.”

We take the proffered ream of paper, and thank the Raphaels for their time. Allison tries to envelop us in perfume with a mammoth hug (which will require twelve baths in tomato juice to neutralize), while Isaac types away accompanied by the Mel Gibson voice signature telling us, “Next time bring your own Doritos.”

At home, we read the manifesto. What follows are selected entries of Isaac Raphael’s IM amendments to their standard versions:

Standard:  ^5: High-five.

Amended:  ^5IIHTMTTLUMA: High-five, if I had the muscle tone to lift up my arm.

Standard:  KISS:  Keep it simple stupid.

Amended:  KISSBIHNRABIMEL: Keep it simple stupid because I have never read a book in my entire life.

Standard:  LSHMBH: Laugh so hard my belly hurts.

Amended: LSHMBHOITJAKAGIMS:  Laugh so hard my belly hurts, or is that just a killer alien gestating in my stomach?

Standard: MUSM: Miss you so much.

Amended: MUSMTIPTKYTUIMC:  Miss you so much that I plan to keep you tied up in my closet.

Standard:  AML: All my love.

Amended: AMLAMCCDT:  All my love, and my credit card debt, too.

Standard:  BIBO:  Beer in, beer out.

Amended: BIBOBCSAF:  Beer in, beer out, beer can smashed against forehead.

Standard:  NIMBY:  Not in my back yard.

Amended: NIMBYIBTBITWBTSE:  Not in my back yard – I bury the bodies in the woods behind the 7/11.

Standard:  CM:  Call me.

Amended:  CMEIIIACRSICAPTTEWMLIC:  Call me, especially if I’m in a crowded restaurant, so I can annoy people trying to eat with my loud, inane conversation.

Standard:  P2P:  Peer to peer.

Amended:  P2PHTHSTSSWHATFG:  Peer to peer, harbor to harbor, sea to shining sea – where have all the flowers gone?

Standard:  EBKAC:   Error between keyboard and chair.

Amended:  EBKACTIIJSMP:  Error between keyboard and chair, that is, I just shit my pants.

Standard:  ROTFL:  Rolling on the floor laughing.

Amended:  ROTFLAFLWPTTT:  Rolling on the floor laughing – a floor littered with poison-tipped thumbtacks.

Standard:  SIS:  Snickering in silence.

Amended:  SISBTAARD:  Snickering in silence because there’s an armed robber downstairs.

Standard:  GDR:  Grinning, ducking and running.

Amended: GDRTMLOPCSMRTASWHW:  Grinning, ducking and running, though my lack of physical conditioning slows my running to a slow, wheezing, hobbled walk.

Standard:  SMHID:  Scratching my head in disbelief.

Amended: SMHIDANTAMODOTF:  Scratching my head in disbelief, and now there’s a mound of dandruff on the floor.

There were hundreds of such entries in what future scholars will call a pioneering work – which is to say, that it will blaze a trail leading directly to humanity evolving into just heads marinating in jars, albeit still under the delusion that they are “hot looking.”

We will revisit the IM amendments of Isaac Raphael in future editions of The Jim Galaxy.

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