Musharraf Declares Jude Law
ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN – Yesterday President Pervez Musharraf stunned his countrymen and the international community by declaring Jude Law. This was just the latest of many “necessary measures” to maintain order in this volatile nation. Back on November 3, he had declared what can be called Marshall Law, or what others have referred to as Musharraf Law, but what the President himself has labeled The Law to End All Laws – that is, until he repealed that particular Law six weeks later. Musharraf then recanted his use of the term “The Law to End All Laws” as mere hyperbole, “a joke like what David Letterman does. David is a very funny man.” But his praise of Letterman was just a preamble to his appearance on national TV to declare Jude Law – “and I won’t be joking this time.” Musharraf began his address to the country by saying that Pakistan needed order and stability, but that he, their decorated leader, was still unsure about which Jude Law to declare in preparation for the parliamentary elections scheduled to take place on January 8, 2008. There was the cold blooded killer Jude Law of Road to Perdition and The Talented Mr. Ripley, whom the President may have favored in his younger years when he was all about military takeovers, dissolution of parliaments and covert assassinations. The Jude Law of Gattica, in which he played a genetically enhanced man in a wheel chair, may someday be the chosen Jude Law when he, the great Pervez Musharraf, heads off to the nursing home to no doubt get his head cut off by a man with a giant beard calling himself Nurse Benazir. “I do have to admit to a certain weakness for the Jude Law in Artificial Intelligence: A.I.,” continued Musharraf. “I mean, like wow, a dancing android gigolo with a heart of gold? C’mon, I could have used that man as an aide de camp back in my army days.” The President reminded his fellow Pakistanis that Jude Law was an Englishman. Was it not England that pretty much started this whole mess by helping to divide India into a Hindu India and an Islamic Pakistan, and then throwing Kashmir into the middle of the street and saying, “Now go fight for it, chaps?” Meanwhile, Led Zeppelin made zillions of rupees with the song, Kashmir. And where was Jude Law while Plante and Page made an easy buck on the misfortune of this embattled region? “By Allah,” answered Musharraf, “Jude Law was in diapers rehearsing for his future role as the flamboyant “Bosie” Douglas, lover of the even more flamboyant Oscar Wilde in the biopic, Wilde. Now if the enemy of peace and co-existence is the Taliban – and if the Taliban is anti-gay, even anti-heterosexual, to say nothing of anti-soap and water, then it stands to reason that we should indeed declare the androgynous Jude Law.” It is reported that Musharraf’s longtime nemesis, Benazir Bhutto, just before she was killed by Islamic Law, smiled at this lapse into political suicide, but then the smile went upside-down when the President talked his way out of this blind alley: “But you know, of course, that the real Jude Law is the father of four healthy offspring, an example of energy-eating global irresponsibility that would make any mother of twelve future soldiers of Islam proud – and, come to think of it, would make him a god in Mexico.” The President now became forceful and animated on reaching the end of the speech. His head bobbed up and down, side to side, with his mustache staying right with his face throughout all this unpredictable movement. “And I say to you, my fellow Pakistanis, I declare Jude Law now! I declare Jude Law tomorrow! I declare Jude Law forever!” In Benazir Bhutto’s last public address, she called the speech a blow to the hope of democracy, though she admitted to having always had a bit of a crush on Jude Law ever since he played the Russian sniper in Enemy at the Gates.
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