Mary Hart Joins U.S. Postal Service

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Shockwaves rippled through Tinsel Town after Entertainment Tonight reported that hostess, Mary Hart, will be leaving the show to join the U.S. Postal Service as a mail carrier. The story may not be all that cataclysmic, as the public has known for years that the lady with the most famous legs in America had been mulling over putting those delicious gams to use in the delivery of envelopes and packages since the day, June 6, 1999, when she received a form letter from Bono asking for money to free himself, Bono, from self-righteousness – a letter that was actually addressed to John Tesh, who thought it weird that Sonny Bono had sent a letter from the grave.

A friend close to Hart – so close that she betrayed Hart’s confidence for the opportunity to shake the bionic hand of Joan Rivers -- let it leak that there may be another reason for this sudden career change. The perky gossip anchor had been in the dumps of late with the realization that there were younger and fresher legs on the celebrity circuit, for example the hindquarter-to-toe ensembles of Cameron Diaz and Kate Beckinsale, that threatened her title of “Woman With The Legs Most Other Women Want Severed And Attached To Their Own Acetabulum.”

Said the close friend: “There was a time when half the girls who met Mary had a surgical knife in their purse and were just waiting for Mary to fall into a trance so they could do the amputation themselves. It was an exciting life having to dodge all those razor-wielding chicks while at the same time maintaining a nutty enthusiasm for the silly details of Hollywood celebrities. Nowadays she’s lucky is some approaching fan is armed with anti-cellulite lotion.”

The consensus is that the sedentary lifestyle of a frivolous reader of entertainment news was doing nothing to maintain the muscle tone in Hart’s hamstrings, quadriceps and calves. What better way to counteract this trend than to spend eight hours a day walking up and down the streets and driveways of Los Angeles for the U.S. Postal Service? It is hoped that Mary will work in East L.A. or Watts so to receive the extra leg conditioning that will be the inevitable result of having to run from time to time from street gangs interested in “what that white bitch has in the bag.”

One fan, who seemed familiar with the netherworld of plastic surgery, was interviewed on the street, and had this to say: “Mary Hart is an inspiration to all us older woman trying desperately to hold on to our need to be thought of as hot for our age and, as such, sought after as dispensers of holy wisdom. She did not take the loosening of the muscles in her lower extremities sitting down – no, siree! Mary is going to be out there walking, sometimes fleeing dogs and Crips and Bloods, but all the while delivering the mail like a trooper! And looking good in the process!”