Madonna Denies Having Sex with Pope

VATICAN CITY, ITALY – Pop singer, Kabbalist and whore, Madonna, insists that the public should not read anything inappropriate into the Pope having been seen leaving her Manhattan apartment at midnight last Tuesday. She told her publicist who told Madonna’s life spirit who repeated the same thing back to the publicist who then told the New York Post that Madonna was only offering spiritual guidance to the spiritual leader of the world.

“Madonna,” said the publicist, “is an uneducated ignoramus, and, like most of her ilk, she has taken to New Age mumbo jumbo in an effort to appear intelligent and to scold educated people for their lack of so-called ‘true understanding.’ The Pope on the other hand is a noted scholar not given to hazy ideas lifted from Deepak Chopra who in turn lifted them from his hair dresser. In short, Madonna gave the Pope a blow-job.”

Madonna has rebuked anyone who equates giving some strange guy a hummer with the beautiful act of love-making, the latter of which she reserves for her husband, Guy Richie, every third Friday of the month. “The fact is that I thought it would be cool being on my knees with the Pontifical cock in mouth while he kept the funny conical hat on his other head.”

The Pope, in an address to a flock of old ladies wearing burlap bra and panties, said that he agreed with the tramp who bares the same name as the Mother of God, saying that no lesser a moral authority than Thomas Aquinas quoted no other than Aristotle, who wrote that “if one thinks of lips upon the male member as no different than sucking the juice from an olive, then what the hell is wrong with that?”

Then one of the congregation, while itching her crotch, asked the Pope about his vow of celibacy, to which the more comfortably clad Supreme Catholic responded, “Hey, what do I know about sex. I’m a virgin for chrissakes! That’s why my rap name is Celibate Vanilla.”

There are certain pundits who are now arguing that Madonna is also a virgin, or, better, “like a virgin.” They note that all her trysts involve some male celebrity – Alex Rodriguez, Jose Canseco -- being seen coming out of her apartment between the un-godly hours of midnight and two AM, which begs the question as to who has actually witnessed the Kabbalist on her back counting the zodiac symbols on the ceiling. In his first-person account of his sexual encounter with Madonna, the scribe Dennis Rodman only described the scene of her going down on him, ending with the caveat “straight up, bro!”

Still Madonna is adamant that she and Guy Richie will stayed married so long as the once great movie maker continues to have his manhood and creativity sapped by her witless preaching on the Oneness of All and her occasional male-celebrity-seen-leaving-her-Manhattan-apartment episodes.

The Pope has announced that anyone failing to buy at least one Madonna CD in the coming year will be excommunicated from the one true faith – with Muslims being merely bombed by Vatican Special Forces who are known to be able to kill a man with a single Communion Wafer.