Calista Flockhart to Get Gastric-Bypass Surgery

HOLLYWOOD, CA – It has been leaked by a reliable source, Oprah Winfrey, that noted thin girl, Calista Flockhart, is scheduled to receive gastric-bypass surgery at an unspecified hospital, though Winfrey vows to find that out, too, if only to demonstrate her empathy for truth, if not her pathological envy of skinny girls. The rumor is that the former Ally McBeal star, who for years had been accused of bulimia, anorexia and a bad slice in her golf game, has to now pull the skin of her torso taut in order to see her ribs.

“There was a time,” confided Flockhart to a trusted friend who just happened to also have a control chip in her brain put there by Oprah, “when my ribs stood out like the token black guy on a beer commercial…”

The trusted friend then interrupted to ask: “Why do you think, Calista, that the token black friend never brings along one of his non-token black friends, or at least his brother or something? Is there some kind of agreed upon ratio of drunken white guys to jovial black guys?”

“That’s a good question, my trusted friend who would never in a million years blab our conversation to a media hog like Oprah, unless of course Oprah has implanted a control chip into her brain. What I think is that when white guys drink they have a greater tendency toward beer balls than other strains of male humanity, and those hops and barley testes manifest themselves in wanting to beat up on black guys, so long as they out-number the black guy or guys by a considerable margin. If one more black guy shows up, then it would be a fair fight, meaning the loud-mouthed honkies would get the shit kicked out of them. Hence the unspoken ratio of white guys to black guys in beer commercials.”

Meanwhile, Oprah was standing behind one of her technician lackeys listening to the whole exchange, which now shifted back to the subject of gastric-bypass surgery. Flockhart went on to say how her beau, Harrison Ford, had first developed a crush on her when she was a transparent lawyer on Ally McBeal, not unlike the New York society wives of billionaires who believe that if an X-ray is needed to examine their bones, then a starvation diet is in order. Ford wants skin and bones. He is concerned that if ever he and Calista encounter Excalibur in a block of stone, he does not want his much younger, muscled girlfriend showing him by being the one to unsheathe the famous sword and thus usher in a new era of hope. He wants to be the hero.
Oprah now had her lackey send a signal to the trusted friend to say, “My dearest, Calista, is Harrison perhaps just ribbing you?”

There was a pause from Flockhart before she said: “Do I know you?”

Oprah screamed to the technician, “Abort! Abort!”

Still Oprah hopes that the public disclosure of Flockhart getting gastric-bypass surgery will dissuade the star of Brothers & Sisters from getting skinnier and perhaps forcing Oprah to schedule her own appointment, which would open her up to charges of plagiarism from Star Jones. On the other hand, Harrison Ford is prepared to don his old Indiana Jones hat and perform the surgery himself using a machete and a bullwhip.