Jennifer Aniston’s Nipples Win Golden Globe Award

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Kate Winslet and Heath Ledger may have been big winners at the 2009 Golden Globe Awards in gaining top honors for Best Actress and Actor in a Very Depressing Role, but the biggest winners were the pointed headlights of Jennifer Aniston in the category of Most Outstanding Performance by a Set of Human Nipples.

The performance in question was from the movie Marley & Me about how a man uses his dog as a professional prop without once cutting the mutt in on the profits -- and as a prop, too, for his marriage that suffers from the trouble inherent when an average-looking man hooks up with a more attractive woman – the moral of the story being that only a dog can rescue such a skewed relationship. The scene that got people buzzing was the one when Aniston welcomes her husband after his successful job interview wearing a tank-top weaved from cellular microfilaments, underneath are fired a pair of 38-caliber nipples.

“That scene left me breathless,” said John Galbraith, a welder who had watched the chick flick as a part of a compromise with his wife in exchange for her allowing him to perform in a live porn show in the back room of a bowling alley.

The irony is that one of the other nominees was Aniston archrival, Angelina Jolie, whose nipples some critics believe carried the otherwise forgettable Wanted, in particular the scenes demanding that she arch her back while plying her trade as an elaborate assassin. But Aniston would not be baited into gloating over the woman, Jolie, who People Magazine blamed for wrecking Aniston’s marriage with Brad Pitt and, further, the lives of all thinned-lipped – and now out of work – actresses in the industry. One intrepid blogger confronted Pitt with the question of which nips came quicker to attention when flicked with a finger, to which he responded by looking more uncomfortable than Mr. Coffee at a tea convention, and so changed the subject to how good George Clooney looks with a mustache.

Another nominee was Emily Mortimer in Transsiberian, who many voters shied away from because of the unfair advantage she had in working without a bra when running through the frigid temperatures of Siberia and then falling down in the wet snow. Said one voter: “C’mon, any set of areolas centerpieces would’ve achieved the hardness of a roofing nail under those conditions.”

On the other hand, there are rumblings that the last two nominees were penalized, though for different reasons. One was Jenny McCarthy for her work in Witless Protection, whose nipples may have been too overshadowed by the sheer size and surgical perfection of the rest of her mammary glands; while the other was Paris Hilton in The Hottie and the Nottie, who many think possess the most underrated nipples in the business, except that they belong to a girl who has already been accorded too much attention and money for lack of talent in other areas, for instance cogent speech.

Many think the award to the Aniston flesh beacons was to make up for past omissions. For instance, her nipples put in a virtuoso performance in Rock Star, only there had not been enough people in the theatres to cause a national stir, just a stir in the pants of dateless young men. They were especially perky in Bruce Almighty, as rumors persisted for months afterward that co-star, Jim Carrey, had even named them Mary-Kate and Ashley. But the most glaring oversight was how year after year no Emmy was ever awarded to the Aniston sex-signalers for her body of work on the television show Friends, when oftentimes her nipples were so eye-popping as to distract viewers from not wincing in embarrassment at the character, Joey.

Either way, justice was served when Jennifer Aniston’s portals to her lactiferous ducts were given their due recognition